self-love

When your outside isn’t matching your inside

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

Is it just me, or does it feel like the phrase “imposter syndrome” is getting confused and over-used? To clarify, I want to explore what it’s like to feel like you’re faking it. Maybe people assume you know what you’re doing, but you secretly fear that you don’t. 

First Things First: Being New is Normal

If you’re new at whatever you’re doing and feel like an imposter, then you’re probably an honest person on the right track. When we’re first learning anything, it’s all skills practice. We follow what we’ve been taught and practice the tools handed down by those more experienced than us. Over time, we integrate what we’ve learned into our own personality and style until it becomes our own. Everybody gets there by mucking it up along the way. 

Imposter Syndrome is for Everyone

Imposter syndrome doesn’t just affect newbies though. Everyone has days or weeks, even years, where they’re just off. Sometimes it may feel like we’re acting out an old version of ourselves; the autopilot works but doesn’t feel true. Certainly deeper inquiries deserve attention here, but growth isn’t only about change. Growth is also accepting the impostor feeling when it arises, without analysis. Winging it with whatever we’ve got, it’s possible to even enjoy wondering and wandering for a while.

Feedback Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Sometimes we may feel like a fraud because of our collective infatuation with feedback. Likes, followers, comments, shares–maybe these forms of acknowledgment boost self-esteem for a moment when we get them, but they’re always fleeting. Does all this feedback (or obvious lack thereof) really help us? One might wonder if it actually keeps us more distracted by how we appear to others, rather than helping us cultivate and honor what’s true inside.

The “What Other People Think Of Me” Trap

Taking it a step further, whose opinion really matters so much anyway? Aren’t we all just people? We’re born innocent and fragile, and we die when our time comes. All the external standards of how a professional, parent, or person are supposed to be are culturally determined, a passing trend in a long history of changing expectations. What’s “best” is always evolving. When we open to healing around the ancestral and conditioned pressures to fit in, trying to measure up becomes less compelling.

The Five Stars We Really Need

It’s not about being a competent professional, a good mom, a successful entrepreneur, or a happy person anyway. It’s not about the roles we play or what we seem like to others at all. It’s about what we’re genuinely sharing. We can decide our current best is good enough–not because it’s the best ever, but because it’s ours. We need our own approval, a five star “I see what you’re doing and how you’re growing, and I think it’s awesome” rating. We won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. But that’s OK, there are plenty of other teas to drink.

The truth is you can only be an imposter if you’re trying to be something you’re not. Rather than trying to impersonate your best self, what if you had radical permission to exist and be? We’re all just learning and living here anyway, might as well go a little easy on ourselves and each other.

With love,

Julia Aziz

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PS–If you’re needing support to go deeper as you unwind patterns of feeling inauthentic and not enough, please do check out my individual counseling services and the women’s group program.

Beautiful Mistakes & Life U-Turns

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

The other day, my 10-year-old asked if she could teach me how to paint wildflowers. While I am a person who delights in all forms of creativity, art has always been the most challenging for me. I can throw some colors on a piece of paper, but ask me to visually represent a specific object, and you’ll receive something that looks like a young child made it. My daughter, however, has taken many hours to master the art of small flower watercolor painting. As she demonstrated her techniques, I followed along but couldn’t quite get my messy blob petals to match her delicately formed ones. “Beautiful mistakes,” we decided to call my stray colors. “Because when you make a mistake, you can keep going and make something new and beautiful out of it.”

I try to be mindful of my language around this topic, as even the word “mistake” implies there is one right way you can get wrong. Some of us learned early: good girls follow directions. If you do what you’re told, you won’t stand out or get into trouble. We can hide behind this facade of who we think we’re supposed to be for decades. What starts as protection from criticism can easily become a cage with no room for individuality or creativity. Keeping up appearances by trying to stay inside the lines can drain our essential life force to near empty.

The old way, the way of perfectionism says:

Get it right the first time. Don’t make a mess. Don’t be a bother.

Really though, haven’t we had enough of this already? Life is messy! It just is. The artistry of my life–my decisions, the ways I fail, the ways I grow–doesn’t match the artistry of yours, and thank goodness! Our messes make us unique. I think of a flower with a torn petal. Shall we toss it to the wind for being imperfectly symmetrical, or will we cherish its fragile beauty? 

If you’re someone who finds her/his/their self caught in this perfectionist prison, what would happen if you fell out of character once in a while? It can be scary to forgo the filter and start responding authentically. Being raw and real, even with self-consciousness, is a service though: we help other humans feel better about making mistakes and being seen too. When we forgive ourselves for not always getting it right, we don’t become more self-absorbed and narcissistic. We become more available. There is more of us to give to others when we’re not busy fighting ourselves. 

Old patterns get entrenched and so often release slowly, with intentional practice. My personal practice lately has been about embracing with compassion, curiosity, and humor what I’ve been calling “life U-turns”. A life U-turn is when we get invested in a new idea for change and go full throttle towards it, only to say “never mind” some steps in. When we do a U-turn, we head back to where we came from with a different point of view. Was it a personal flaw that caused us to move toward that new direction in the first place? Was precious time wasted doing the wrong thing? Or is it possible the “mistake” re-affirmed some essential value we still hold, allowing what was too familiar to be discovered anew. 

Mistakes clarify direction; coloring over the lines helps us think outside the box. I say “Hallelujah!” to this trial and error path forward. As we return to public life, what used to be commonplace feels novel and pretty bumpy. I hope to appreciate even the awkward moments, navigating new boundaries and getting used to each other again. Shall we give it a try, even with our differences? Slowly, let’s stumble forward and rediscover each other’s wholeness again.

Wishing you ever deepening breaths and the gift of seeing beauty in unexpected places,

Julia Aziz

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PRACTICE UPDATES

If you’ve been curious about working together in 1-1 sessions, listening to the first 10-15 minutes of this recent podcast interview will give you a better idea of what my practice is like. If you listen further, you’ll also hear stories about how I became a therapist and what working as an interfaith hospice chaplain taught me. While the title of the interview is Grief and Loss, and we do talk quite a bit about death and dying, it’s also about embracing the inherent discomfort of change. Give a listen if you like!

The next season of the Release & Empower Women’s Circle is open for registration, so check it out!