There are two reasons I usually don’t post on Mother’s Day: (1) In my own home life, this time of year tends to feel like a parenting marathon, without much room for extra writing. And (2) I am sensitive to the reality that many of my readers are grieving on this day, whether that be for their mothers or for children they’ve lost or didn’t have. A simple “Happy Mother’s Day” message never feels right. But I gave it more space and decided to write this year because I think we could all use some deeper acknowledgement.
If you’re a mom having a hard time staying centered, perhaps without enough room for true self-care, please see my recent post with some free gifts for moms. There you’ll find a recorded talk about on-the-go, in-the-moment emotional release tools and a book guide with contemplative practices. These are offerings to you, dear mama, with an underlying wish for you to receive, receive, receive and let your needs matter. Let’s celebrate not only the essential role you’re playing in our society but your humanity too!
If you may be grieving on Mother’s Day, know that the longing and loneliness of these sorts of holidays is felt with you by so many others across the land and throughout generations. I’m not going to try to sugarcoat what you’re going through though. My wish is for you to receive the space you need to honor your loss(es) and your feelings without comparisons or pressure of any kind.
If you feel ambivalence towards your mom or Mother’s Day, this goes for you too–relationships aren’t black and white, and you feeling all the grays in between is honest and real. (By the way, I know it’s not a popular thing for a therapist to say, but I’ll say it: if you need distraction and avoidance, that’s completely OK too!)
If you’re doing alright but haven’t had a moment to think about Mother’s Day, I wish you self-acceptance and grace in this busy spring. Whatever happens, I hope you get to not plan it 😉
Mother’s Day can wonderful, and it can also be a mixed bag no matter how your life story has played out so far. But whether you feel disappointed and unseen or grateful, loved, and nourished, it’s still just a day. I hope you take this day and use it however you want. I hope you embrace yourself in all your complex facets, shadow and light–the whole messy picture beyond the roles you play in others’ lives. May you gift yourself complete permission to feel however you feel and do things your own way.
In honor and celebration of our diverse human experiences, with love,
“I know something is changing, but I have no idea what’s next.”
“I’m not sure what’s happening, how I feel, or why!”
I’ve been hearing these themes a lot lately. Some feel they’re at an unfamiliar crossroads; others are grappling with existential questions. In this Great Unsettling, it seems as if one phase is shifting without us knowing what the next one will be. Like driving through a fog and missing all the signposts, it’s a vulnerable time to be moving through.
What’s exhausting you could be your vehicle of transformation
If we accept the truth of what’s happening now, we can “offer up” our weariness, confusion, and existential uncertainty. Offering means we let what is hard for us become sacred. We acknowledge that the road ahead runs precisely through the territory we like to avoid, and we take that road in the spirit of soul growth, with courage. Surrendering some resistance, we may feel more open to receive from unexpected directions.
Changing the questions we’re asking
When we can say “I don’t know” honestly, with open curiosity, “What’s the point?” may no longer be such a heavy question. There’s something about admitting lack of control that frees up the mind to see things differently. We come back to what’s in front of us right here. Rather than “What do I do?” we might ask, “What do I do next?”
Remembering where to find the inner compass
I’ve never been one for roller coasters or winding mountain roads. I feel that instability deep in my core, right away! Maybe you’ve got the stomach for turbulence, though you still may not feel thrilled by the ride of personal and collective change. It helps to know if there’s a voice inside saying “Aghhhhhhh!!!”, there’s also one that’s good at handling things. It’s the part of us that shows up for other people when they need it. That competent, fierce, adaptable part has a better sense of direction than the tired and frightened inner child. In this new terrain, we might intentionally ask the inner adult to take the wheel.
New rules to the game?
There’s not just one insight that changes everything, and then we’re good to go forever more. So much spiritual seeking seems to have this flavor of “if I just change in this one way, I’ll be golden, and then I can finally coast.” Who came up with this silliness? Everything alive on this earth is in some cyclical process. Life is temporary; the mystery of life is always.
If you’re struggling to find your way, I hope you reach out and ask for some help. We’re really not meant to be doing all this life stuff alone. When there’s too much constriction to let in support, clearing some things out can make all the difference. Change, of course, requires some creativity–and undoing.
Wherever we go, I’m glad to be on this wild ride with you,
The other day, I was sitting outside with a cup of tea when a butterfly came for a visit. She fluttered around, then perched on the side of my cup, closer and closer to the edge, until she fell in. It took a few moments for me to find a twig and rescue her, lifting her drenched and struggling little body onto the rock next to me. I tried to use my breath to dry her off, but she was barely moving. I watched as she brought her little antennae to press lightly and repeatedly on her chest, almost as if she was giving herself CPR. For a long time, she just laid there still, and I figured that was the end. I went for a walk, thinking maybe I’d bury her later to honor what I had witnessed. After a half hour or so, I came back, and there she was–upright on the rock now, starting to flutter her wings a little bit. Surprised, I watched her for a while more, then took a break. By the time I came back, she had flown away.
Revive. This word feels like it’s been taken by fundamentalists, but let’s think about it. To Bring Life Back. Wow! Nature is amazing. We have the capacity to return to life. Our metaphorical revivals are not always met with a lot of fanfare. They are often quiet, slow moving, and subtle. Nevertheless, they are real, and they are necessary.
As we enter this new year, I wonder, where have you been living a half-life, and what revival may be underway for you? This is an individual and a collective contemplation. It’s easy to see all the problems; so much in our lives and our world is not working. To be able to see differently is a big deal–maybe even essential for a new way to emerge. In 2024, my wish for all of us is to return to life with new vitality and vision, especially in the areas that need it most.
What is the strategy here? The old way of pushing an agenda and trying to make things happen no matter the fallout has caused plenty of suffering already. What if instead we (1) take the risk of following curiosity, even if it means falling in the cup of tea (2) claim the heart’s longing to feel and revive and (3) receive the patience and support we need. Then rather than “making” transformation happen, we “let” it happen. Big vision, tiny changes. Everything grows, or returns to life, one day at a time.
Many many blessings upon you and your loved ones, and all beings of this earth, in this new year,
Many helping professionals, moms, and other emotional caregivers are craving connection with like-minded humans, but have a real hesitancy about groups. Sometimes this is due to past trauma in group settings, in spiritual spaces, or with women in general. Other times, it’s because when you’re often in a helping role, it can feel particularly awkward and scary to be vulnerable in a group. You may not be used to it. People tend to look to you for answers, not questions. Also, you may crave time to yourself and generally feel tired by social situations.
The call to go inwards and feel whole within one’s self is real, and so is the desire to deeply connect and be seen.
The Release & Empower Women’s Circle was created to support women in this paradox. Here’s what I’ve been saying in response to this common concern women often share before they join:
This is pretty much a group designed for introverts that don’t join groups. There is absolutely no expectation to perform; it’s actually about unlearning the conditioning that makes us feel like we have to. Much of what we do is experiential mind-body practice. The sharing component at the end is purposefully held within a brief time container for each person, and no one comments on what you say or gives advice or opinions. It’s an opportunity to play with your own comfort zone, with zero pressure about how much to share. This permission is an important foundation of the work, and what makes it freeing for so many women who are accustomed to always tuning in to others’ needs.
The online experience has evolved and become a great fit for this group. Learning to hold space for one’s self is super important, and this work is all about letting yourself be cared for while you do what you need to do. A certain level of anonymity that comes with online experiences is actually freeing here, allowing everyone to overcome barriers to expression slowly and gently. As a participant last year put it: “I could not have predicted how connected I have felt to this group of women. I loved the rituals we incorporated and the power of the many forms of expression and communication we explored together that had very little to do with words. I was able to get in touch with practicing showing parts of myself with others and truly trusting that what I shared would be met with loving kindness and acceptance. Really this group is the power of love in action.”
I think we’ll always need 1-1 connection and support. But the truth is, many of our personal struggles have collective and systemic roots. We can’t fully heal in isolation, as our problems are not as separate as they seem. More so, if you’ve never experienced the exponential power of healing that comes with group practice, I warmly invite you to give it a try.
As I was leaving the farmer’s market this weekend, a young man called out, “2023 is going to be the best year ever!!!” I turned and said curiously, “Really?” We laughed together about how “best ever” may be too heavy an expectation to lay on 2023. Instead we agreed on wishing each other fresh new beginnings and an excellent new year.
There definitely seems to be a general sense of possibility in the air. I’m hearing people ready for something new and wanting lasting change, though also still struggling through plenty of chaos and grief. Like many of you, I’m over it when it comes to New Year’s resolutions, but the collective desire for transformation is definitely fuel for whatever we’re hoping to do right now. It’s a great time to welcome new beginnings while integrating the wisdom of what we’ve learned about power and limitations.
The pretense of what I’ll call the “marketing of manifestation” is falling by the wayside. Change doesn’t always pan out so well when we’re muscling through life, shouting, “I want this, and I’m going to make it happen!” If we haven’t learned by now we’re not in control here, I don’t know how we will. On the other hand, we certainly have a major role to play in what happens next. We can start down the road of our choosing with vision, courage, and flexibility–or not. We can be creative with the obstacles that impede our best laid plans–or we can resist them with all our might. We have choices, often and always.
Integrating both intentionality and receptivity might look a little different from the usual new year goal-setting process. Instead of “what do I want?” we might ask:
What will help me to open and meet life this year?
What do I feel called towards?
What changes are in right timing?
Intentions are only the beginning, just like this week is only week one. Purposeful change begins with clarity and continues with the unglamorous-but-necessary quality of perseverance–that slow, persistent willingness to keep taking the next small step on the winding path each day. More than an online quiz with a formula for what to do, then trying hard and giving up when willpower runs out, I invite you to find supports that will help you chart your own course, grow from failure, and re-open to life again and again.
Where is support showing up that I can receive more fully?
If you’re a woman who is often supporting other people in *their* changes, do check out the new year Release & Empower Women’s Circles. This program was created specifically to support *you* in maintaining the changes you want to make and in moving through those changes you didn’t count on. If this group isn’t resonant for you, I know there are plenty of ways a person can find accountability for keeping on the heart’s path. We know we will fall off again and again this year. We’re mere humans, and we are lovable when we dream big and when we fall short too. We are enough, and we keep going, together.
Wishing you less pressure and more ease in all that you create and all that unfolds this year,
The summer intensity has been calling me back toward waterfalls again. This year, I’ve been playing with shifting my listening from one spot to the next, noticing how water bouncing off small rocks makes a tinkling sound under the noisy rush from heights above. The cascade’s separate sprays are like a crowd of different voices all talking at once, reminding me of the input overload so many of us feel these days. I try to hear one stream or another until I give up, listen to the whole chorus of voices together, and let it become one current, one being, one song.
Sounds lovely, right, but how on earth do we let the current of our modern times sing us a song rather than slip us off the edge and take us down with it? “Go with the flow” won’t cut it. If we go with the flow of the collective, we are going down a dark vortex of strife and fear. So let’s pause for a moment from the many streams of deep grief, trauma, injustice, and tyranny and see if we can shift how we’re listening.
One of the aspects of waterfalls that strikes me this year is that the water only makes sound because of the rock. The flow is not separate from the hard places. I, like many, would usually prefer things progress forward in a direct line. But that’s not the way water, or life, moves. It curves over, under, and around the hard places, finding any way it can to keep flowing. We, too, must make contact with the rocky edges in ourselves and meander the curves to follow the course. The music is in keeping on.
I recently visited the waterfall I fell down a few years ago, and it, like many things, has changed. Time and weather has rearranged it. I’m a bit rearranged too, and maybe so are you. The way I see it, my Number One Job right now is to release negative thoughts and emotional tension as frequently as possible, so the waters don’t get muddied and stagnant, stuck in a puddle of doom. Letting go makes way for the flow to continue, showing the next right move at the next right time. We may want to get ahead of ourselves and hurry a plan, but like the water, the nature of life here on earth is that we move through what’s current before knowing what’s next.
Releasing and renewing sounds easier than it is to remember and do. But I believe in you because if you can take a moment out of your busy day to read this, it means you can take a moment to refresh your mind, body, and precious heart too. If that sounds improbable or impossible, it’s time for more support. Support from people, the water, the birds, the ground, the breath, the body–much is available when we ask and open to it.
May the chorus of the world sound to you like perennial permission to pause and re-source yourself, so you can get back up stronger again and again and again.
Have you ever sat by a waterfall in the forest, relaxed in a hammock on the beach, or watched an impressively colorful sunset and felt… nothing? Beauty and peace surround you, yet you’re lost in your own troubles. Maybe you’ve even had that experience with helping professionals, going to therapists and bodyworkers and life coaches and doctors and still, you remain caught in the same struggle that brought you there. It’s an awful feeling, like being handed a beautiful gift made just for you, only you can’t reach out your hands to accept it. You might decide the gift is not right for you and continue your search for more and new and better gifts. But what will help you to receive them?
As many of you know, I am a huge proponent of what I call “self-healing.” This phrase wasn’t super popular long ago, but much like “mindfulness” and “energy work,” it’s becoming so commonplace, it’s losing all meaning. So let me clarify the essence and the hype, as I see it.
What self-healing is not
When we are suffering, the darkness feels more real than the light. Finding solutions to problems in that dark place can seem pointless and burdensome. Self-healing, contrary to its name, is not about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and applying that independent, self-reliant, cowboy attitude to recovering from burnout and trauma. It’s not about undergoing a multitude of different therapeutic modalities or taking every nutritional supplement or psychedelic medicine available on this earth, though your own self-healing process may certainly include some of these wonderful tools and teachers. Self-healing is also not about manifesting everything you desire or replacing social needs with spiritual pursuits. And just like an outside person can’t make a change happen in you, no “self” can force you to think and feel differently either.
What self-healing is
Self-healing is an opening. It is being able to see and acknowledge whatever kind of angsty mess we might find ourselves in for the moment. It is surrendering from the struggle to make it all better, a giving up on the attempt to figure it out. Self-healing, in the way I practice and understand it, is being willing to accept life on its own terms and to follow the step that shows up next like one would follow a flashlight through a dark cave. The actual steps are unique to each of us and the timing is as important as what actions we take. In essence, though, self-healing includes both some stepping up and some stepping back:
Stepping Up
We accept we can’t delegate our ability to feel better about ourselves and our lives to outward circumstances or to someone else. We don’t wait on what is outside our control to change. We give up the quest for the final answer being out there somewhere someone else has hidden, and take loving responsibility for our own internal experience of this life. We tell the truth to ourselves about how we’re doing and use our will to be willing.
Stepping Back
We slow down and let in the support that is already available. Maybe there’s a passerby that makes eye contact and smiles, a cardinal that lands on a nearby tree branch, a cooling tea with just the right herbal blend, a song, a movement, or a powerful ally or ancestor unseen by others. The form the support takes is irrelevant–what matters is we’ve let down our guard and allowed the spirit of what is present to touch us. The natural flow of life is healing itself when we stop blocking it. We learn how to receive, which, most simply put, is how to relax around what is.
We think we need to feel better; often what we really need is to release resistance to what we actually feel and allow the everyday magic to do its thing.Healing as a noun is still a verb—it’s a process unfolding all the time. Shit happens and you can befriend yourself through it or abandon yourself. Self-healing is about learning to be your own champion, your own rescuer, your own beloved. Not because you have a big ego and can do all those things, but because you know you can’t. It’s like the little fuzzy caterpillars I’ve been seeing on my morning walks these days. I was looking at them and thinking about how they will become butterflies. Then I saw one being eaten by a chipmunk. All is not light and wonder. Healing is transcendence but not always through outer transformation.
The caveat
The individual’s decision to accept rather than resist is a turning point, not the whole story. We are each unique beings, but we are also part of a much larger organism, beyond our own families and loved ones. We are not separate from the earth we walk on nor the child on the other side of the globe. We affect each other. We can trigger each other like crazy, but we can also heal together in depths we can’t reach alone. There is quite a lot of stepping up and stepping back that needs to be done in community as well. Self-healing is essential: only you can choose to be willing and open. Self-healing is incomplete: like trees in the forest, we may seem separate above ground, but our roots are interconnected.
I hope whatever you’ve got going on now, you’re connecting in a way that is nourishing for you. For the empaths and the sensitives, that way may look quieter and more intentionally slowed down, and that’s absolutely OK. For some of us, being in public spaces is harder than turning in to the introvert’s cave. We’re all working things out somehow though. Thank goodness we’ve got ourselves and each other for company on this wild ride.
I am beyond excited about the next cycle of the Release & Empower Women’s Circle, where self-healing in community moves beyond theory to practice. Women who give much of their time and attention to others are coming together in a sacred space for their own self-healing. We are upleveling the energetic container of the online experience, syncing up with the rhythms of nature, and amplifying the creativity and power of women. Read more about the women’s circle here to see if it would be a good fit for you or to apply.
Spring has arrived fully here in central Texas, with wildflowers sprinkling the meadows, trees bursting with green, and birds singing across the skies. Of course this spring feels different from years past, as the death that came through winter’s freeze presents itself starkly alongside the rebirth. The once proud agave cacti are heavy and drooping; browned palm trees struggle to stand while fallen branches rest defeated upon the ground. What’s fresh and new is intertwined with what has perished. Nature seems to be mirroring the paradox of our strange re-opening world, where excitement over returning to former freedoms goes hand-in-hand with the grief and uncertainty that remains.
If you feel both hopeful and unmotivated, depleted and on the brink of change these days, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. You’re living through a complex time with complex emotions, and it’s not easy to move forward in ambiguity. Part of the challenge, as I see it, is we haven’t fully shifted out of modern culture’s warrior mentality towards growth. A plethora of personal development and wellness memes tell us to focus on what we want and manifest our truest desires. It’s empowering to realize how much we can affect change through awareness and intention. But as many of the cultures we destroyed and/or subjugated know, growth happens in cycles, with loss and gain inseparable. To support growth, we can observe what’s actually happening and learn to work with rather than against the natural forces more powerful than we are.
When we push too hard for what we want to happen, we may end up exhausted from the effort of trying. When we don’t do anything because we lack the energy, we may get stuck in hiding rather than take a risk. Perhaps there is another way, a way that accepts and intends, slows down and progresses. With spacious mind and generous heart, something both new and old may emerge, integrating where we’ve come from, where we want to go, and where we actually are.
I’m guessing if you’re reading this, there may be changes you desire for your life. It has been a long hard year, and being shut in and shut down has certainly clarified what’s not working. Maybe some of the changes you’re feeling called to are not quite happening, or perhaps you’re getting waylaid and pulled in unforeseen directions. When confused between growth and acceptance, rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t this working? or Why do I feel this way?” a better question might be: “What is the very next step for now?”
The best thing I’ve done for myself lately was to take a day off to get lost in the woods. Wandering without trying to get anywhere, I feel free. It feels like true relief to trust the meandering path that shows itself rather than bushwhacking what might or might not be a shortcut. There is magic in following trails unknown, not trying to figure out the map. And all along the way, it helps to tell the whole truth–to one’s self more than anyone else. It helps to speak out loud to the trees, the river, the birds, or even the dry creek bed, “Show me the way and help me to trust it.”
I hope you’re being gentle with yourself these days, especially when there are more questions than answers. Top of the list for What I Can Do (a much shorter list than What I Am Not In Control Of) is the practice of being tender with the parts of us that are frustrated and confused. A few steps forward, however many back, I imagine that viewed from high above, together we walk the labyrinth of healing, getting closer in, moving farther out, yet somehow being led towards center.
Wishing you some vitality, inspiration, and peace each day, to receive deeply and share wildly,
“This is an amazing experience. I don’t think anyone could come away from this unchanged.” -past workshop participant
We’re moving into 2021 folks, and if there was ever a time to take responsibility for loving ourselves, releasing the past, and stepping forward with courage, this is it. You may have already heard me talking about the Release & Empower Online Community, and if you’ve been curious, here’s a chance to try it out! With therapeutic writing, movement, music, and guided meditation, this FREE and ONLINE workshop is a mini-retreat to:
Start this year by honoring your own rhythms
Hear what’s really going on inside your being
Move and vocalize in ways that unleash what’s been held too tightly
Relax into a loving wholeness and receive the guidance you need
Note: The release & empower workshop is designed for helping professionals and other emotional caregivers. It’s powerful work and requires a certain level of social support and self-care grounding to integrate. If you’re really struggling with mental health right now and feel at the verge of a breakdown, this workshop will not be sufficient nor appropriate. If you don’t know where to turn, try a 24/7 free crisis hotline that can connect you with good and local support, or you can use this textline for help with coronavirus-related anxiety and grief.
You might find this strange and a little gross, but the other day I spent some time watching a beetle roll a little balll of dung across the road. I became fascinated by his perseverance and how he naturally made use of what for most living beings on earth is just poop. I don’t know much about dung beetles, but it strikes me on a metaphoric level how we need this kind of resourcefulness in our current world. What creativity could transform what we must leave behind into something sustainable and life-giving?
The most common refrain I’m hearing from folks these days is “I just wish I knew when this pandemic would end.” There is a lot of sadness with this question, as no one can offer anything but predictions or false promises. Maybe there is a higher authority on the subject though. Nature tells us:
Everything changes. Change happens on its own time.
Many humans in the modern western world use plans for comfort. We want to know what to expect, and we like to have something to look forward to. In some ways, we’ve forgotten how to wonder, how to give our full attention to the lived experience of now. Perhaps there is some connection here to the dung the beetle was pushing across the road. I wonder, what ways of thinking make us feel worse, and how can we digest and eliminate them for the higher good?
I also spent time last week watching some turkey vultures. I’ve never understood why these majestic birds are so underappreciated and almost feared. It’s captivating, the way they circle the skies above, feeding on what has completed its life cycle here. These birds live because other creatures die. In this, they embody rebirth. The vultures teach us that a new cycle begins out of the one that came before. Everything is made use of here, in this place we live.
When we let go of the individual pursuit of happiness as such a supreme cultural value, perhaps compassion can be reborn. When the experts can’t give us good answers, maybe we’ll witness a rebirth in honoring curiosity and intuition. As I see it, we don’t need more gurus, we need more empathic, creative people who trust themselves and each other. I’m not trying to draw a silver lining around a very dark cloud. The weariness and the grief are real and everywhere. Still, I believe in us. I believe in our resilience and in our ability to make changes for the better.
A friend who is more like a sister to me lives in the redwoods in California, and the fires this summer came within a quarter mile of her house. She told me after the weeks of smoke, flames, and devastation, the birds were the first animals to return to the forest. The birds, of course, were the ones who could most gracefully leave and most easily return. Their protection lies not in being the strongest fighters, but in being the lightest on their feet. Who is to say what’s most needed right now in our own personal and collective struggles. All I know is there are some great teachers living amongst us who have been there all along. We may have to open the door and look outside to find them.
May you feel the support of the ground, the possibility of the sky, and the beauty of your own true nature,
Julia
PS– If you’re a helper or healer longing to feel yourself again, consider joining us in the Release & Empower online program for regular mental, emotional, and physical release. It’s self-care accountability and spiritual renewal in good company. As of the time of this writing, I also have two openings for individual holistic psychotherapy. And all are welcome to check out this new home practice support book: When You’re Having A Hard Time: The Little Book That Listens.
PPS– Sending some extra love to all those who are grieving the loss of a loved one this year. Big big hugs to you.
Julia Aziz, LCSW-S, OIM 