Navigating Uncertainty and Change

When you’re unsure and asking, “What should I do?”

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

As I write this, I’m watching birds nibble from the bird feeder out my window. They love when the feeder is full; they visit many times throughout the day. When the feeder is empty, they go elsewhere. Seeking direction on our own life questions, could the next steps somehow be as clear? 

Uncertainty is intrinsic to this human adventure, so asking “What should I do?” makes sense. But who gets to determine the answer? Are we meant to follow what other people do? What they say they do? What most people do? 

The problem in looking to outward authority is that no one else is living our whole story. No other person has experienced our childhood, our lineage, our hardships, and our particular gifts and blessings. There is no end to the influencers, gurus, teachers, and leaders who will speak authoritatively on how to live a life. But they too are unique and fallible human beings, no matter how wonderful, wise, or worldly.

What works for some doesn’t necessarily work for all. So what if we junk the “should” question, and wonder instead,

“What will I do?”

A question like this can feel silly, trivial, like child’s play. Maybe that’s because it points towards a subtle, innate way of discerning the dominant Western paradigm has taught us to dismiss rather than claim. Play with the question when feeling in need of advice, and perhaps in time, a phrase, an image, a sensation, a flash of remembrance–some tiny pull towards what’s next might come along. 

Or maybe no response arrives. It may not be the right time to know.

Maybe instead, it’s an opportunity to shed some material things and obligations we don’t really need. 

With the extra time and space, we’ll see what happens next. Maybe follow what feels natural from there.

With more bird seed in that feeder, undoubtedly more birds will come. They go towards what nourishes them. We can remember how too.

Believing in us, and in you,

Julia Aziz

PS- Could you use some deeper support in accessing your own felt truth as you navigate challenging times? See different group and individual offerings here. And if you’re curious about this topic and related contemplations, please do sign up for my mailing list.

Image by Les Bohlen from Pixabay. I’m not quick enough to capture the birds!

When you need to push through and keep going

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“I’ve got a lot going on.”

“I may not like this process, but I need to push through.”

“I would love to take a break, but there’s too much to take care of.”

These sound familiar? Whether it’s a crisis, a big life change, social action, or relentless responsibilities, sometimes we need to answer the call of necessity–no matter how we’re feeling about it. The question is how to push through with vitality, rather than straining to the point of collapse.

It reminds me of a time when my seventeen-year-old sedan gave up on the hill of a highway frontage road. Cars were speeding by, blaring their horns, but there was no hope of revival. Luckily I was able to coast down to the exit, landing on the side of the road. That car had had enough. It had been pushed too far and too long, without the maintenance it needed to keep going. 

No one wants to be that old car! If we’re going to do more–for our work, for our families, for our communities–we will need to do more to sustain ourselves too. Sure, we’d all prefer a break to a breakdown. But when life is too full to take time off, we might have to take what I’ll call “time in.”

“Time in” might look like purposefully moving a little slower than our regular pace, especially during a busy day. Listening to a bird sing during a rare pause in the action, rather than checking email. It’s like the old Zen teaching on lengthening your meditation when you have less time to sit. Need to do more? Do less too.

“Time in” might also look like an intentional mini-breakdown. In a safe space, a good cry, a wild tantrum, or a full somatic anxiety release can relieve some of the tension that comes from having to keep it together. A little rest afterwards, and it can be just the right medicine for getting back up and keeping on going.

But hey, sometimes self-care can feel like just one more thing, so if that sounds like too much, it’s not necessary. The pressure to stay on top of everything is like the pressure of those passing drivers blaring their horns: it’s not going to solve the problem, it’s only going to stress us out more. Better to give up on being superhuman!

When the long road ahead is worth the trouble, we’ll each find a way through. 

I respect that there are times in life that require more of us. It can even be empowering to know we can step up when needed. Other times, it just doesn’t work to say “C’mon, get up, you can do this! What do you need to push through?” In these situations, maybe there’s a downshift, a “Here I am. Here’s my capacity. Now what will I do with it?”

Wishing you replenishing rest stops wherever you can find them, and a bit of coasting downhill too, 

Julia Aziz

PS- Need some supported time-in? Check out my individual therapy or the Release & Empower Women’s Group Program. And be sure to sign up for my mailing list; you’ll receive some free, easy ways to love yourself through all the ups and downs of life.

Image by Tobias Brunner from Pixabay

When you’re feeling worried

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Do you ever feel like your concerns are repeating on an endless loop? “What if… but then, what if…?” To deal with the noise, you might be controlling everything you can, googling down rabbit holes, or seeking distraction. No matter how you cope, it’s hard to think clearly with a worried mind.

In contemplating worry, I like to remember a morning walk I took in northern California last fall. My mind was full from a recent family crisis, and ruminating thoughts were completely distracting me from the surrounding beauty. Then I noticed a small opening inside a big redwood tree. Curious, I squeezed through and found myself in complete darkness. I felt my way around the space and sat down until the noise in my head began to settle.

“Don’t rush to a solution. Sit here and rest,” counseled the tree.

So I did. 

The troubles plaguing my mind didn’t get resolved, but slowly, their urgency lessened. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I began to see shapes–and options I hadn’t been aware of before. When I reemerged from the tree hollow, I felt like myself again, mind and body back to earth.

Worry likes to say:

“Don’t let your guard down. The other shoe is about to drop. Figure it out now–there’s not enough time.”

Quiet says:

“Oh sweetie, you’ve found your way through chaos before. It’s OK to slow down. Wait until you can see your next step.”

Only we can decide which voice to listen to. 

What if fear was a doorway to trust? Despite its compelling nature, worry is not a protection from bad things happening nor does it help us think clearly or creatively. What helps in long-term crisis and uncertain change is caring, thoughtful humans offering of themselves in the particular ways they are called to contribute. More pressure won’t help; solid ground can.

As our long story continues, may we find refuge through the fear, re-rooting ourselves for inspired action. And in our darkest of hours, may the quiet voice of compassion be a true companion and guide.

Sending love,
Julia Aziz

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Orienting in uncertainty

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This past summer I got to have another face-to-face encounter with a black bear. I was going down the winding mountain trail, she was going up, and we both stopped short upon meeting each other. I took a small step back to give her more space, trying not to fall off the mountainside. She quickly sussed me out, then turned and headed into the forest. I stood there watching her go, wistful and graced.

Every time I see a bear, I’m struck by the relaxed, easeful way they move. When they encounter something unexpected, they’re immediately alert and responsive. Then they go back to being relaxed again. Wouldn’t this be a powerful way to approach the uncertainty of our times? Relaxed and responsive, calm and available to act when needed. I like it!

I think about bears more often than most, but I still get the shock of “Oh! This is really happening now!” when I actually see one. Most of life is not so compelling. This kind of wake up call to aliveness is harder to come by when paying bills or brushing teeth. Though those mundane tasks may be exactly where more presence could help!

It makes me think of my dear friend Svenja, who died this past spring on the precipice of becoming an empty-nester. Sven was a master of savoring the moment, someone I could always count on to both dive deep and find humor in all things. On hospice care in her final weeks, one of the last texts she sent me said:

“I don’t feel like talking, It’s all a bunch of Hoo Ha. I just want to see stuff and taste stuff…”

It is all a bunch of Hoo Ha, isn’t it? We only get the moments we get. It’s a gift when we fully experience the small, everyday sensory experiences while they’re here. After all, this is really happening right now!

The point isn’t to be commanding “Be grateful!” at ourselves or each other in the little moments. Like Sven, who didn’t like to be too precious about things, we can take the pressure off. Savoring is not clinging–it fiercely appreciates then lets go. Savor and release. Relax and respond. Here and now, here and now.

I used to build forts in the woods with the neighbor kids when I was young. Storms would come, we would forget about these refuges for a while, then we’d go back and have to refortify. I think we’re in a time of inner fortification right now. We’re remembering what matters, replenishing the strength and courage we’ll need as our collective human story continues. My question is, what is this time of change asking of you?

Wishing you time to reflect, savor, and fortify—not just now, but any time you need to,

Julia Aziz

PS–If you’d like more support navigating these challenging times, we have spots available in the next season of Release & Empower: A Group Program for Women Moving Through Change. Or if you’d prefer individual counseling, please check out my psychotherapy page.

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On helping others through troubled times that affect you too

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There’s a question I’m hearing a lot, and it’s not a new one. If you’ve been emotionally supporting other people in some way, this question has been relentless in recent years:

How am I supposed to help people through a collective crisis that I am dealing with myself?

As a therapist, group facilitator, and mother of three, I know many parents, mental health practitioners, healthcare and wellness providers, caregivers, teachers, and managers who are processing double-time. I’m not going to try to answer this question; there’s already plenty of advice coming at you. These are just some thoughts for contemplation.

  • It is not our job to know better, be better, draw a silver lining around a dark cloud, or fix things just because we are in some sort of helping or leadership role. Like everyone else alive today, we’ve also never lived through this particular time in history. Lessening the pressure we put on ourselves gives room to breathe–and think more clearly.
  • It is absolutely our job to truly tend to our ourselves so we can maintain the capacity to show up for others. That may look like receiving more support, but it’s not only about care from the outside. It’s also things like how kindly we talk to ourselves. How we say no and rest. How we let our bodies express the fear or dread or rage or grief, so we don’t have to suppress or project feelings in order to keep going. 
  • Showing up with an open, listening heart in deep curiosity about the individual experience of the people we are serving matters. Collective crises do not affect all of us in the same way. Holding a space open for someone (or a group of someones) to work through their own unique experience is a real service. Especially in a time when their other loved ones may not be emotionally available.

I know many kind caregivers feeling like they have to pretend to have hope or optimism when the truth is, they are feeling the dark night. Could it be okay to orient towards “being with” rather than “doing for” others right now? I look to the trees, the river, the animals, the moon, the ancestors. I know even when we don’t want to be where we are in the cycle, we are here. 

If you need a break from people, I hope you can take one. If that’s not possible, I hope you find a refuge for your own feelings, and know that whatever you can give is enough.

With care and courage,

Julia Aziz

SUPPORTS FOR THE HELPERS

–A reminder about this Clearly Clinical podcast interview for professionals struggling with their own heavy times while still helping others. 

–If you could use a place to be yourself amongst other helpers, and you identify as a woman, save a spot in the next season of Release & Empower: A Group Program for Women Moving Through Change. In troubled times, it feels like such a nourishing, fortifying gift to be with women feeling, releasing, and re-centering side-by-side in nonverbal and expressive ways.

–If you’re a mental health professional wanting more clinical and professional development support, you can set up an individual consultation session or join my consultation group.

Sign up for my mailing list and some simple self-support practices here.

When you’re asking “Why is this happening?”

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I was walking along a forest trail a few months ago when a scrambling sound came from high up above. Then suddenly a turtle came rolling down the hillside, landing shell-side-up in front of my feet! Many of you know how much I love a good nature metaphor, but I’ve been contemplating this falling turtle for a while, and I haven’t been able to make much sense of it. (Don’t worry about the turtle though, he was stunned but OK!)

One of the most common questions I hear is “Why?” Why do I feel this way? Why is so-and-so behaving like this? Why is this issue coming up again when I thought I already dealt with it? A lot of people come to therapy with these kinds of why questions. It’s often a genuine wish for understanding, a hope that by seeking answers, clarity and resolution will arrive. Yet all sorts of dynamics are at play in any given situation. Our human perspective isn’t wide or nuanced enough; we can only analyze so far until we’re going in circles. Living on this earth planet in this vast galaxy, there’s a lot more to life than we can possibly get a grip on.

When I was a young person entering the professional fields of mental health and spirituality, I was seeking answers to many “why’s”. Now when I catch myself asking “why,” I turn towards the “how”. How do I live this? Sometimes that “how” might include deep somatic or expressive processing; sometimes it might involve simply accepting what is and turning towards the next small step. Without answers to seek, we can take our time, slowly living our way through.

Turtle

When we dig deeper, sometimes what’s hard isn’t so much the lack of understanding, but the wish for the past, or the present, to be different. Maybe we’re looking for someone or something to blame–or maybe we feel guilty and ashamed because we blame ourselves. You know what I say to that? F-it. Don’t let the spiritual bully get you. Stumble, fall down, sit still, keep going, whatever you need to do. Like that adventurous turtle that didn’t know what was coming, we adapt as we go. While we may not arrive at complete answers, we’ll have a new story to tell.

Wishing you some ease and kindness towards yourself,

Julia Aziz

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Photo by Bogdan Costin on Unsplash. Photo is of a different turtle than the one I saw hurtle down the hill, but I can assure you, my turtle friend survived and went on his merry way.

When your outside isn’t matching your inside

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Is it just me, or does it feel like the phrase “imposter syndrome” is getting confused and over-used? To clarify, I want to explore what it’s like to feel like you’re faking it. Maybe people assume you know what you’re doing, but you secretly fear that you don’t. 

First Things First: Being New is Normal

If you’re new at whatever you’re doing and feel like an imposter, then you’re probably an honest person on the right track. When we’re first learning anything, it’s all skills practice. We follow what we’ve been taught and practice the tools handed down by those more experienced than us. Over time, we integrate what we’ve learned into our own personality and style until it becomes our own. Everybody gets there by mucking it up along the way. 

Imposter Syndrome is for Everyone

Imposter syndrome doesn’t just affect newbies though. Everyone has days or weeks, even years, where they’re just off. Sometimes it may feel like we’re acting out an old version of ourselves; the autopilot works but doesn’t feel true. Certainly deeper inquiries deserve attention here, but growth isn’t only about change. Growth is also accepting the impostor feeling when it arises, without analysis. Winging it with whatever we’ve got, it’s possible to even enjoy wondering and wandering for a while.

Feedback Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Sometimes we may feel like a fraud because of our collective infatuation with feedback. Likes, followers, comments, shares–maybe these forms of acknowledgment boost self-esteem for a moment when we get them, but they’re always fleeting. Does all this feedback (or obvious lack thereof) really help us? One might wonder if it actually keeps us more distracted by how we appear to others, rather than helping us cultivate and honor what’s true inside.

The “What Other People Think Of Me” Trap

Taking it a step further, whose opinion really matters so much anyway? Aren’t we all just people? We’re born innocent and fragile, and we die when our time comes. All the external standards of how a professional, parent, or person are supposed to be are culturally determined, a passing trend in a long history of changing expectations. What’s “best” is always evolving. When we open to healing around the ancestral and conditioned pressures to fit in, trying to measure up becomes less compelling.

The Five Stars We Really Need

It’s not about being a competent professional, a good mom, a successful entrepreneur, or a happy person anyway. It’s not about the roles we play or what we seem like to others at all. It’s about what we’re genuinely sharing. We can decide our current best is good enough–not because it’s the best ever, but because it’s ours. We need our own approval, a five star “I see what you’re doing and how you’re growing, and I think it’s awesome” rating. We won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. But that’s OK, there are plenty of other teas to drink.

The truth is you can only be an imposter if you’re trying to be something you’re not. Rather than trying to impersonate your best self, what if you had radical permission to exist and be? We’re all just learning and living here anyway, might as well go a little easy on ourselves and each other.

With love,

Julia Aziz

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PS–If you’re needing support to go deeper as you unwind patterns of feeling inauthentic and not enough, please do check out my individual counseling services and the women’s group program.

Changes that feel uncomfortable, inevitable, and not quite here yet

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“Things feel uncomfortable, uncertain, surreal.”

“I know something is changing, but I have no idea what’s next.”

“I’m not sure what’s happening, how I feel, or why!”

I’ve been hearing these themes a lot lately. Some feel they’re at an unfamiliar crossroads; others are grappling with existential questions. In this Great Unsettling, it seems as if one phase is shifting without us knowing what the next one will be. Like driving through a fog and missing all the signposts, it’s a vulnerable time to be moving through.

What’s exhausting you could be your vehicle of transformation

If we accept the truth of what’s happening now, we can “offer up” our weariness, confusion, and existential uncertainty. Offering means we let what is hard for us become sacred. We acknowledge that the road ahead runs precisely through the territory we like to avoid, and we take that road in the spirit of soul growth, with courage. Surrendering some resistance, we may feel more open to receive from unexpected directions.

Changing the questions we’re asking

When we can say “I don’t know” honestly, with open curiosity, “What’s the point?” may no longer be such a heavy question. There’s something about admitting lack of control that frees up the mind to see things differently. We come back to what’s in front of us right here. Rather than “What do I do?” we might ask, “What do I do next?”

Remembering where to find the inner compass

I’ve never been one for roller coasters or winding mountain roads. I feel that instability deep in my core, right away! Maybe you’ve got the stomach for turbulence, though you still may not feel thrilled by the ride of personal and collective change. It helps to know if there’s a voice inside saying “Aghhhhhhh!!!”, there’s also one that’s good at handling things. It’s the part of us that shows up for other people when they need it. That competent, fierce, adaptable part has a better sense of direction than the tired and frightened inner child. In this new terrain, we might intentionally ask the inner adult to take the wheel.

New rules to the game? 

There’s not just one insight that changes everything, and then we’re good to go forever more. So much spiritual seeking seems to have this flavor of “if I just change in this one way, I’ll be golden, and then I can finally coast.” Who came up with this silliness? Everything alive on this earth is in some cyclical process. Life is temporary; the mystery of life is always. 

Upwards Spiral image

If you’re struggling to find your way, I hope you reach out and ask for some help. We’re really not meant to be doing all this life stuff alone. When there’s too much constriction to let in support, clearing some things out can make all the difference. Change, of course, requires some creativity–and undoing.

Wherever we go, I’m glad to be on this wild ride with you,

Julia Aziz

PS- Here’s a little off-the-cuff, less than two minute audio to support you in these strange times: Get the “Rapid Reset for Instability” practice audio.

When what you want is not happening

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You may have heard my bear stories before, but I’ve recently been thinking about one I met this summer in the Appalachian mountains. I had begun my morning walk a little later than usual, and as I reached the top of the road, a young black bear crossed my path. She stopped and looked at me, as I stopped and looked at her. Deciding I was not a bother, she kept walking and even let me follow not far behind for a while. I could wax on about her grace and the deep gratitude I felt in seeing her, but that’s not what this story is about. What struck me was that had I not been delayed in getting out that morning, I would have missed her entirely.

Timing is a funny thing, and not all unexpected happenings are welcome. Despite knowing we are just tiny beings with limited life spans on a spinning planet in a vast galaxy, we get pulled into the collective societal consciousness that assumes we can take charge here. The conditioning of western culture makes us believe we should decide what we want and make it happen, otherwise we’re doing something wrong. So of course when things don’t go our way, we blame ourselves–or other people. Some of us respond by pushing our agenda harder; others fall into indecision and inertia. Either way, we lose the sense of being in the flow, in right timing. So what other options are there when life seems to be saying “no” or “not now”?

Rather than pretending to be ok, what if we let our reactions run their course? As in, “Hey sweetie, you’re allowed to be frustrated, disappointed, and even resentful. It’s OK to feel how you feel. Take your time, and let the waves come and go.”

What if we get curious about the obstacles that have shown up, asking, “What is there to learn here, and what more support might I need?”

Or maybe this is a resting time, not a doing time, and things just need a chance to work themselves out. What if we let go of trying to figure it all out?

In releasing what “should have been” and turning in a new direction, something else might even show up around the corner.

It takes a different kind of strength to slow down, accept what’s not happening, and look for the gifts that do show up. Underneath the conditioning, we are, like all sentient beings, wild and resilient, designed to adapt to change. We can unlearn some of the ways we’ve been enculturated and remember the innate call to harmonize with life and its timing. The old paradigm fights to maintain dominance and control, but there are more of us who want peace than not; we can start on the inside, wherever we’re at. 

May you feel more and more like your authentic self
Living a life full of curious synchronicities
Following the path as it reveals itself.

Walking with you,

Julia Aziz

*As soon as I took out my phone to take the picture of the bear, she felt it. Turned around and saw that I was still following her, then headed off into the forest. It’s not a great pic but it’s the real deal!

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When you feel lost and uncertain, remember we are just bitty things on this vast earth. The bigger pattern can't be seen from where we stand. It's OK to not know.

When you’re not sure how you or other people are changing

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Have you ever thought you knew someone well and later discovered a side of them you had never seen before? My brother has been transcribing some letters my grandmother wrote when she was engaged to my grandfather but living apart in New York and Chicago. Nineteen-year-old Helen Yarmush teases her beloved with tales of her dates with other men and says things like, “It’s been a beautiful day today–a day to run in the wind (which I did) and laugh and sing.” The Helen Zimmerberg I got to know three decades later was a mother of four who had already lost her first daughter to ovarian cancer and was undergoing chemo and radiation for lymphoma herself. I’ve cherished my memories of Helen’s sense of humor and ability to make the best out of most anything, and I delight in this free spirit I’m seeing now at her 20th yahrzeit (death anniversary). What a gift it is to discover something new in someone I haven’t seen for so long and to be reminded of how multi-faceted we all are.

If you feel different from who you were a couple years ago, perhaps your friends do too. Maybe you’ve lost some relationships, accepted casualties in these divisive times. What if you’ve lost yourself a bit too? In transition, most everything is incomplete and tender. You may feel in between what is no longer authentic and what is not yet grown. Are we willing to meet anew in this wobbly place, or will we try to connect the way we did before and seek only the parts of each other we used to know? I believe there is an in-between place, a place to cherish the familiar, unique essence which doesn’t alter over time while making room to see what else is emerging–in ourselves and in each other. We meet at this crossroads when we unfurl the grasp on old ideas and become willing to not understand. Like this walk through the fog at dawn, perhaps we begin by trusting the path that shows itself, finding beauty in what is not yet clear.

My grandma Helen had strong opinions, yet what was special about her was that she would change those opinions in an instant when more information came in. This wasn’t confusion or ambivalence; it was a permission she gave herself to change her mind and to make new choices as she learned better. It reminds me of something anyone who has been in a workshop, retreat, or the release and empower women’s circle with me has probably heard me say: “Let’s not hold onto anything that’s shared here. These are snapshots of present moment experiences, ones we honor but don’t carry around as your identity forever more. You’re free to show up the same or differently every time.” I’d like to offer this same invitation to anyone reading these words today. To you, who has gifted your attention here, willing to join me in the field of unknowing. Let’s let each other change and evolve, as slowly as we need to. 

With peace in the heart and health in the body,

Julia Aziz

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