womenfindingtheirvoice

Doing holidays like Mother’s Day however you need to

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

There are two reasons I usually don’t post on Mother’s Day: (1) In my own home life, this time of year tends to feel like a parenting marathon, without much room for extra writing. And (2) I am sensitive to the reality that many of my readers are grieving on this day, whether that be for their mothers or for children they’ve lost or didn’t have. A simple “Happy Mother’s Day” message never feels right. But I gave it more space and decided to write this year because I think we could all use some deeper acknowledgement.

If you’re a mom having a hard time staying centered, perhaps without enough room for true self-care, please see my recent post with some free gifts for moms. There you’ll find a recorded talk about on-the-go, in-the-moment emotional release tools and a book guide with contemplative practices. These are offerings to you, dear mama, with an underlying wish for you to receive, receive, receive and let your needs matter. Let’s celebrate not only the essential role you’re playing in our society but your humanity too!

If you may be grieving on Mother’s Day, know that the longing and loneliness of these sorts of holidays is felt with you by so many others across the land and throughout generations. I’m not going to try to sugarcoat what you’re going through though. My wish is for you to receive the space you need to honor your loss(es) and your feelings without comparisons or pressure of any kind.

If you feel ambivalence towards your mom or Mother’s Day, this goes for you too–relationships aren’t black and white, and you feeling all the grays in between is honest and real. (By the way, I know it’s not a popular thing for a therapist to say, but I’ll say it: if you need distraction and avoidance, that’s completely OK too!)

If you’re doing alright but haven’t had a moment to think about Mother’s Day, I wish you self-acceptance and grace in this busy spring. Whatever happens, I hope you get to not plan it 😉

Mother’s Day can wonderful, and it can also be a mixed bag no matter how your life story has played out so far. But whether you feel disappointed and unseen or grateful, loved, and nourished, it’s still just a day. I hope you take this day and use it however you want. I hope you embrace yourself in all your complex facets, shadow and light–the whole messy picture beyond the roles you play in others’ lives. May you gift yourself complete permission to feel however you feel and do things your own way.

In honor and celebration of our diverse human experiences, with love,

Julia Aziz

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On groups and the hesitation to join them

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Many helping professionals, moms, and other emotional caregivers are craving connection with like-minded humans, but have a real hesitancy about groups. Sometimes this is due to past trauma in group settings, in spiritual spaces, or with women in general. Other times, it’s because when you’re often in a helping role, it can feel particularly awkward and scary to be vulnerable in a group. You may not be used to it. People tend to look to you for answers, not questions. Also, you may crave time to yourself and generally feel tired by social situations.

The call to go inwards and feel whole within one’s self is real, and so is the desire to deeply connect and be seen. 

The Release & Empower Women’s Circle was created to support women in this paradox. Here’s what I’ve been saying in response to this common concern women often share before they join:

  • This is pretty much a group designed for introverts that don’t join groups. There is absolutely no expectation to perform; it’s actually about unlearning the conditioning that makes us feel like we have to. Much of what we do is experiential mind-body practice. The sharing component at the end is purposefully held within a brief time container for each person, and no one comments on what you say or gives advice or opinions. It’s an opportunity to play with your own comfort zone, with zero pressure about how much to share. This permission is an important foundation of the work, and what makes it freeing for so many women who are accustomed to always tuning in to others’ needs.
  • The online experience has evolved and become a great fit for this group. Learning to hold space for one’s self is super important, and this work is all about letting yourself be cared for while you do what you need to do. A certain level of anonymity that comes with online experiences is actually freeing here, allowing everyone to overcome barriers to expression slowly and gently. As a participant last year put it: “I could not have predicted how connected I have felt to this group of women. I loved the rituals we incorporated and the power of the many forms of expression and communication we explored together that had very little to do with words. I was able to get in touch with practicing showing parts of myself with others and truly trusting that what I shared would be met with loving kindness and acceptance. Really this group is the power of love in action.”

I think we’ll always need 1-1 connection and support. But the truth is, many of our personal struggles have collective and systemic roots. We can’t fully heal in isolation, as our problems are not as separate as they seem. More so, if you’ve never experienced the exponential power of healing that comes with group practice, I warmly invite you to give it a try.

Always with love,

Julia Aziz

Find out more about the Release & Empower Women’s Circle here!

How this new year might be different

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As I was leaving the farmer’s market this weekend, a young man called out, “2023 is going to be the best year ever!!!” I turned and said curiously, “Really?” We laughed together about how “best ever” may be too heavy an expectation to lay on 2023. Instead we agreed on wishing each other fresh new beginnings and an excellent new year.

There definitely seems to be a general sense of possibility in the air. I’m hearing people ready for something new and wanting lasting change, though also still struggling through plenty of chaos and grief. Like many of you, I’m over it when it comes to New Year’s resolutions, but the collective desire for transformation is definitely fuel for whatever we’re hoping to do right now. It’s a great time to welcome new beginnings while integrating the wisdom of what we’ve learned about power and limitations.

The pretense of what I’ll call the “marketing of manifestation” is falling by the wayside. Change doesn’t always pan out so well when we’re muscling through life, shouting, “I want this, and I’m going to make it happen!” If we haven’t learned by now we’re not in control here, I don’t know how we will. On the other hand, we certainly have a major role to play in what happens next. We can start down the road of our choosing with vision, courage, and flexibility–or not. We can be creative with the obstacles that impede our best laid plans–or we can resist them with all our might. We have choices, often and always.

Integrating both intentionality and receptivity might look a little different from the usual new year goal-setting process. Instead of “what do I want?” we might ask:

What will help me to open and meet life this year?

What do I feel called towards?

What changes are in right timing?

Intentions are only the beginning, just like this week is only week one. Purposeful change begins with clarity and continues with the unglamorous-but-necessary quality of perseverance–that slow, persistent willingness to keep taking the next small step on the winding path each day. More than an online quiz with a formula for what to do, then trying hard and giving up when willpower runs out, I invite you to find supports that will help you chart your own course, grow from failure, and re-open to life again and again.

Where is support showing up that I can receive more fully?

If you’re a woman who is often supporting other people in *their* changes, do check out the new year Release & Empower Women’s Circles. This program was created specifically to support *you* in maintaining the changes you want to make and in moving through those changes you didn’t count on. If this group isn’t resonant for you, I know there are plenty of ways a person can find accountability for keeping on the heart’s path. We know we will fall off again and again this year. We’re mere humans, and we are lovable when we dream big and when we fall short too. We are enough, and we keep going, together.

Wishing you less pressure and more ease in all that you create and all that unfolds this year, 

Julia Aziz

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When you’re giving out more than is coming in

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Have you ever heard a fox cry? A week or so ago, I was in the hill country and heard what sounded like a child screaming, “Help!” in the night. It was a little disconcerting until we realized it was a fox. My friend and I responded by sounding out a similar cry. The more we called back, the closer the fox seemed to approach us. She came near but never all the way to where we stood. We continued to stay in conversation for a while though, until she moved on.

If this fox actually was crying for help, the help she needed was not for someone to go and rescue her. She seemed to find her own way eventually. Maybe she just needed to be heard, to know someone else was out there crying too. I feel a similar dynamic evolving in this next phase of the pandemic together. In the old paradigm, there were damsels in distress and rescuers. There were people in need and people who helped. This dichotomy was always false though. We carry both of these archetypes within us; we are each vulnerable and strong. Pretending there are some who have it all together and others who only fall apart has led to situations like the mental health crisis for therapists and real burnout for healthcare professionals in general. 

These are intense times, so if you’re not always doing so well, that seems about right to me. We’re not meant to feel always cozy and well in a sick and troubled society. We are meant to be uncomfortable as much as we are meant to be brave. Who says we have to be stoic about any of it? One of my favorite memories of last year was when I stepped outside one morning in Colorado and heard my dear friend and neighbor screaming at the top of her lungs on her front porch. I immediately responded with a loud roar of my own. We laughed about it when we saw each other later, but in the moment it just felt good to be in our own messiness and know we were not alone.

Being heard feels risky, I know. As a therapist, I’ve been well-trained to not show too much of myself, good or bad. Helping professionals are taught to be clear mirrors for others. We’re not supposed to fog up those mirrors with our own personhood. We hold space for other people, not take up space ourselves. I don’t buy it as a way to live a whole life though. I can express what’s within me in contexts I feel safe in, and also show up with presence, compassion, and my full attention for someone else. We all have gifts, and we all have burdens. There is room in this world for the humanity in us all. I’d like to shed all pretenses of “helpers” and “helped” and instead sing out loud with you the music that arises from our dashed dreams, our triumphs, our sorrows, and most of all, our love.  

When we cry out like the fox and hear another’s cry too, it’s not just about venting. It’s about remembering: this life on earth didn’t come with a promise of feeling happy most of the time or everything working out a certain way. You’re not failing at that game. This life is an adventure of growth and change, an opportunity to feel and experience everything. Our stories are heroic tales of resilience. You’re here, and you’re doing it. We all are! 

Please share your voice, and know I am rooting for you. 

With love,

Julia Aziz

PS: If you are helping or caregiving other beings, and you feel like more is going out than coming in for you, please check out the women’s Release & Empower Group. As one recent participant said,

“I feel so much permission to just be however I am in this group. The journaling, the movement, the breathing, the sharing–it’s all what I’ve been needing to do more of for myself and now I feel like I’m making room for it again. I feel so thankful for the women here, and know that as I am going through some changes in my life, this is just where I need to be.”

How we are with each other

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Sixteen years ago, I worked as a counselor for a nonprofit that was run by the consensus process. When I first started there, I was so excited. I envisioned a place where everyone’s voice was heard and counted equally, a highly evolved and cooperative utopia. The reality, however, was more challenging. Everyone’s voice was certainly heard, but often for long, drawn out meetings. Minor decisions had to be debated and postponed week after week until an agreement could be reached. As we know, opinions don’t change easily. Sharing new ideas doesn’t mean other people will be receptive to them. And if everybody’s talking, who is there to listen? 

I learned a lot from participating in the consensus process, and while I still deeply respect the model, I realized I don’t have the inner patience for it. Hearing too many opinions drains my compassion. My favorite way of being in community is more nonverbal. Some years before that nonprofit job, during a work exchange at a yoga retreat center, I had my first experience of group sharing without cross-talk. Being together in silence, owning our experiences, and sharing without the interference of others’ judgments was a relief and a revelation. Not only did we leave those meetings more centered and connected, making clear choices came easier too.  

It’s tricky, interacting with other people these days. It’s hard not to get pulled into a downward spiral of how terrible everything is and what should or shouldn’t be happening. Sure, it can be interesting to hear what you think about it all, but what I really want to know is, what is giving you strength each day? How are you keeping your heart open? In today’s world, where so little is actually known or understood, opinions feel even less compelling to me. I wonder more what changes are growing in you.

As a dear friend said to me yesterday, it’s compost time. If triggering information and opinions are going to keep coming in, all that heavy mental-emotional energy needs to be regularly let out. I’ve been hearing people say that everyone is going to need therapy when this is all over, as if mental health is something we can put on hold to deal with on some future, easier day. Mental health is not a matter of keeping it all together until the outside world improves. Let’s please not hold our breaths like that. There’s another way, one that has been around much longer than modern psychology or colonialist times. We can ritually call in, feel, and release the strong and messy feelings on purpose. When we do this letting go together in a protected and loving container, the relief is exponential. We can find both our own hearts and each other again. 

No matter what is lost, no matter what comes next, I am grateful to be moving through change with you.

With care,

Julia Aziz

PS- I’ve been studying different holistic helping modalities for many years now, and I still find profound worth in the most simple practice of being quiet together in community, listening to each other and witnessing without offering opinions. As many of you know, we do this type of sharing at the end of the Release & Empower Women’s Group Program. The experience is not passively receiving information staring at yet another screen in a webinar; it’s being together in privacy at home, actively letting stuck energies move through the mind, body, and heart without advice or judgments getting in the way. It’s designed for helping professionals, moms, and other emotional caregivers who often hold themselves together in service to others. Check it out if that sounds nourishing to you!

Note: If you’re really struggling with mental health right now and feel at the verge of a breakdown, the group program will not be sufficient nor appropriate. If you don’t know where to turn, try a 24/7 free crisis call and text hotline that can connect you with good and local support. Help is available, and I encourage you to receive it when you need it! 

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What it takes to be free

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Commitment, structure, accountability. I’m surprised you’re still reading; those words bring up strong resistance for many of us. Or at least for those of us, like me, who like to feel boundless, creative, and free. But one thing I’ve learned is that commitment can actually be a channel for creativity, and structure, with its fewer choices, can be a relief, letting the wild one within feel safe to emerge.

In 2006, when the idea for my book first emerged, I started writing here and there, when I felt inspired. I didn’t feel pressure to produce anything, just a vision hanging overhead and a vague pull to sometimes give it voice. That haphazard “write-when-you-feel-it” pattern went on for about six years, until the very end of 2011, when I decided to take on a thirty day challenge of writing every day. Once the book became my homework, I actually made some good progress on it. I didn’t stick with the daily writing practice after the thirty days, but I did become more disciplined about writing, and two years later, I was able to send a manuscript out to a few publishers. When I received a book contract, it then took just three months to completely rewrite the book and ready it for professional editing. The structure of writing regularly, the commitment to complete the project, and the accountability to my publisher are what allowed a dreamy inspiration to become something you can actually hold in your hand. 

And so I wonder:

What if the commitment wasn’t to get something done, but to let something go?

What if a structure supported finding your own answers? 

What if you were held accountable to resting, receiving, and ease? 

We need containers for healing and growth, just like a caterpillar needs a cocoon. I would have given up on that book if it weren’t for the writing discipline and an editor waiting on me to finish. When it comes to our emotional health, commitment is even more important, because it affects not only us but also all those we care for in the world and in our families. To fully express what’s within us without alarming the neighbors, we need the space, the privacy, and the compassionate support to do what we know will help.

If you’re feeling like you could use some accountability for releasing stress from your mind and body, I absolutely invite you to explore the women’s release and empower group program. I know commitment is scary. Trust me, I feel it too! But wow, the alchemy of what is possible when heart-centered women gather together and let go of what’s weighing them down and holding them back… watch out world, here we come. 

RELEASE & EMPOWER: A WOMEN’S GROUP PROGRAM FOR LETTING GO AND MOVING ON

The women that have signed up so far are wonderful people, making me even more excited for this group. Check it out if it calls to you! And if you’re already committed to your stress relief and truly supported in your well-being, I hope you let this “no” be just as powerful for your freedom.

Shine on, dear ones,

Julia Aziz