self-care

When certain people drive you crazy

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

“Everybody is annoying once you spend enough time with them; some people are just annoying much sooner,” a dear friend declared recently. This gave us a good laugh; then we shared how we could sometimes be difficult too.

It reminds me of this summer when I took a walk on a calm ocean bay at low tide. From a distance, I could see a large rock that looked like it had a gorgeous mountain landscape painted on. Once I got close though, the moss-covered boulder that was beautiful from afar turned out to be swarmed by bugs, with a terrible smell, so rough you could barely touch it. What a metaphor for relating with people sometimes!

Certain people can be harder for us than others, of course. If you’re ever replaying a challenging interaction with someone or ruminating over issues with them that may not be resolvable, here’s a question I’ve found helpful to ask:

From what distance can I see the bigger picture–and the humanity of this person?

It’s sometimes easier to feel acceptance towards a person from further away. Sometimes we need to let the emotional space between us be like the wide open sky above the sea–vast and limitless. Other times we might need to just back up a bit and take some room to process. It’s OK to be further apart for a while and get closer later, this time with better boundaries in place. It’s also OK to not know how we’ll feel in the future and just honor the space needed right now.

Detaching isn’t always the answer, though. When struggling with someone we’re trying to stay close to, there may be a different question:

Can I get in the muck with this person and grow from the experience?

We are all messy complex beings interacting with other messy complex beings. Navigating the ebb and flow of relationship, learning what we need to learn from our own and others’ imperfections– it may not be our preferred curriculum, but it’s always available in this human incarnation!

Though some relationship decisions are black and white, most aren’t. Nuance doesn’t fit neatly into a virtual square with a pretty background, so maybe that’s why it’s so needed these days. Letting go of the search for quick and definitive answers, we may have more patience to walk with the questions–and with each other.

Wishing you trust in your own discernment and the kind of unconditional friendship with yourself that embraces all parts of you, the shadow and the light, the gross and the beautiful! And some slow time in good company, because we nourish each other too. 

With respect, compassion, and care,
Julia Aziz

PS- One of the things I love about working with people is creating clean containers to explore the messiness of life. If you could use some support with being human and dealing with other humans, please check out the rest of my website for individual, group, and community offerings. And sign up for my mailing list! It’s always a good way to stay connected.

Photo by Srozan Nadzmi on Unsplash. This photo is not of the actual rocks from my beach walk! I prefer to wander without a phone, so couldn’t capture the moment đź’›

When you’re feeling worried

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

Do you ever feel like your concerns are repeating on an endless loop? “What if… but then, what if…?” To deal with the noise, you might be controlling everything you can, googling down rabbit holes, or seeking distraction. No matter how you cope, it’s hard to think clearly with a worried mind.

In contemplating worry, I like to remember a morning walk I took in northern California last fall. My mind was full from a recent family crisis, and ruminating thoughts were completely distracting me from the surrounding beauty. Then I noticed a small opening inside a big redwood tree. Curious, I squeezed through and found myself in complete darkness. I felt my way around the space and sat down until the noise in my head began to settle.

“Don’t rush to a solution. Sit here and rest,” counseled the tree.

So I did. 

The troubles plaguing my mind didn’t get resolved, but slowly, their urgency lessened. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I began to see shapes–and options I hadn’t been aware of before. When I reemerged from the tree hollow, I felt like myself again, mind and body back to earth.

Worry likes to say:

“Don’t let your guard down. The other shoe is about to drop. Figure it out now–there’s not enough time.”

Quiet says:

“Oh sweetie, you’ve found your way through chaos before. It’s OK to slow down. Wait until you can see your next step.”

Only we can decide which voice to listen to. 

What if fear was a doorway to trust? Despite its compelling nature, worry is not a protection from bad things happening nor does it help us think clearly or creatively. What helps in long-term crisis and uncertain change is caring, thoughtful humans offering of themselves in the particular ways they are called to contribute. More pressure won’t help; solid ground can.

As our long story continues, may we find refuge through the fear, re-rooting ourselves for inspired action. And in our darkest of hours, may the quiet voice of compassion be a true companion and guide.

Sending love,
Julia Aziz

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When you’re getting weary and burning out

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

A few weeks ago, I presented a continuing education workshop for mental health professionals on burnout and compassion fatigue. I didn’t share it with y’all because those particular words feel so stale and overused these days. What are we really talking about here?

  • Feeling inwardly irritable or cranky towards clients, children, elderly parents, or other people you serve, though you keep showing up for them
  • Getting scattered and flitting from thought to thought as you respond to multiple demands
  • Intellectually knowing you care about people or issues but not *feeling* that care in your body
  • Trying to do too much and feeling drained and tired hours before it’s time to sleep
  • Being unable to do much beyond what is expected, with every day feeling like more of the same
  • Ruminating on other people’s trauma and trying to fix things out of your control
  • Frequent contemplation of changing careers or what life would be like without your current caregiving role(s)

If you’ve experienced one or more of these symptoms, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or an impostor. You’re a person who is trying to meet a lot of outer expectations and doing the best you can. The balance of what’s coming in and out just isn’t working. 

Moving from burnout to reigniting the flame within

I often think of burnout as the passionate and loving heart burning down to a low flame, maybe even just the hot coals, with no one feeding or tending the fire. If it extinguishes itself, you’re left out in the cold. If the right wind blows, you might flare up again, but the heat and energy will likely be scattered, maybe even perilous with no one there to support or contain it.

To find enthusiasm for life and the service we do, we must tend the inner fires of compassion and inspiration. But what does that mean?

Here’s my three cents: 

(1) Regularly clearing out what doesn’t burn to make more space for the good wood. In addition to good “emotional hygiene”, this means paying honest attention to what is wearing you out and being willing to make courageous choices about what you give and don’t give your precious life energy towards.

(2) Creating a good container to protect the fire. No one else is going to track what you’re doing all day long and insist you prioritize your own needs in real, tangible ways. Only you can carve out and protect the space you need.

(3) Feeding the fire with new experiences, authentic expression of what you really feel, and creativity that nourishes the inner wild one. When you feel like you’ve lost your mojo, it may be time to mix things up.

Gathering around the collective fire

Changes like this can be hard work, especially when you’re already weary! Sometimes the burnout has gone on too long and to truly warm up and burn bright again, we first need deep quiet and rest. Then it’s time to rebuild with some dedicated time, support, and a much bigger blaze. That’s why I’m so passionate about community healing work (and what the Release & Empower Women’s Circle* is all about). When individually, you have only a little light left to share, you can offer it up to a larger fire. In surrendering over and over again, you may find yourself slowly rising from the ashes, finding passion and compassion bit by bit, energized by the fuel of being amongst fellow humans doing the same.

I hope one way or another, you always find a little light nearby and know there is one within you too. You are doing good work out there! May all that you give come back to you tenfold, even in unexpected ways.

With kindness,

Julia Aziz

*In the past few years of facilitating the Release & Empower Women’s Circle, I’ve witnessed women making brave changes in their work, relationships, health, and lives, not to mention those inner changes in freedom, confidence, and authenticity. These changes are theirs to claim, not mine. This is just what happens when women come together to re-ignite their inner fire. Check out the group page for more details and to sign up for our next season.

**If you’d like to receive more reflections like this once in a while, just sign up for my mailing list.

Image by Leandro De Carvalho from Pixabay 

Stress Release On The Regular

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

I’ve had an idea cooking for over a year now. It’s based on observations of my clients, my friends, my students, and myself, as well as what is going on out there in the world. What I see is this: Women have always fulfilled the role of caring for the young, the weak, and the vulnerable. The world as we know it seems to be collapsing in pieces, and the need for caregiving is growing exponentially. Most of us are just trying to get by, do some good, appreciate time with loved ones, and make a difference where we can. With violence, bigotry, and intense climate change, the stress of modern life is hitting the high mark almost daily for many.

There’s a lot of lip service paid to stress relief and self-care, but what does that mean? Taking time out for you? Splurging on that girls’ weekend? The reality is, most of us can’t get a massage every day or, more importantly, every time stress hits the body. We can’t control our environments or live in a bubble. We need to be able to process what’s coming at us efficiently. We need to release emotions as they come in, before they build into an anxiety crescendo or harden into resentment and hopelessness. There’s important work to do out there, and there are wonderful relationships, natural beauty, and moments of joy to appreciate in these temporary lifetimes we live. But we can’t see those blessings let alone move forward when we carry around too much emotional weight.

So here’s the idea that has finished cooking and is ready to be served:

Release and Empower: A Women’s Group for Letting Go and Moving On

This isn’t therapy or interpersonal processing; it’s women doing their own emotional release and empowerment work, together. Practicing the simplest of the simple tools I’ve learned over the past twenty-three years, it’s spiritual hygiene, a boot camp for emotional strength. 

If you feel almost chronically stressed because you’re going through a major life change, you’ve struggled with anxiety your whole life, or because you’re an empath and the news is breaking your heart, this work was created for you. The group is a season of commitment to regularly releasing stress from the mind, the body, and the heart, re-energizing your spirit and re-aligning with clear guidance. It starts Sunday, September 15th, and you can get all the details here. And if you’d like to experience a FREE sample of this work, join me on Saturday, September 7th. 

Cheering you on from the sidelines in whatever inspirations light your fire, 

Julia Aziz