Letting Go and Forgiveness

When certain people drive you crazy

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

“Everybody is annoying once you spend enough time with them; some people are just annoying much sooner,” a dear friend declared recently. This gave us a good laugh; then we shared how we could sometimes be difficult too.

It reminds me of this summer when I took a walk on a calm ocean bay at low tide. From a distance, I could see a large rock that looked like it had a gorgeous mountain landscape painted on. Once I got close though, the moss-covered boulder that was beautiful from afar turned out to be swarmed by bugs, with a terrible smell, so rough you could barely touch it. What a metaphor for relating with people sometimes!

Certain people can be harder for us than others, of course. If you’re ever replaying a challenging interaction with someone or ruminating over issues with them that may not be resolvable, here’s a question I’ve found helpful to ask:

From what distance can I see the bigger picture–and the humanity of this person?

It’s sometimes easier to feel acceptance towards a person from further away. Sometimes we need to let the emotional space between us be like the wide open sky above the sea–vast and limitless. Other times we might need to just back up a bit and take some room to process. It’s OK to be further apart for a while and get closer later, this time with better boundaries in place. It’s also OK to not know how we’ll feel in the future and just honor the space needed right now.

Detaching isn’t always the answer, though. When struggling with someone we’re trying to stay close to, there may be a different question:

Can I get in the muck with this person and grow from the experience?

We are all messy complex beings interacting with other messy complex beings. Navigating the ebb and flow of relationship, learning what we need to learn from our own and others’ imperfections– it may not be our preferred curriculum, but it’s always available in this human incarnation!

Though some relationship decisions are black and white, most aren’t. Nuance doesn’t fit neatly into a virtual square with a pretty background, so maybe that’s why it’s so needed these days. Letting go of the search for quick and definitive answers, we may have more patience to walk with the questions–and with each other.

Wishing you trust in your own discernment and the kind of unconditional friendship with yourself that embraces all parts of you, the shadow and the light, the gross and the beautiful! And some slow time in good company, because we nourish each other too. 

With respect, compassion, and care,
Julia Aziz

PS- One of the things I love about working with people is creating clean containers to explore the messiness of life. If you could use some support with being human and dealing with other humans, please check out the rest of my website for individual, group, and community offerings. And sign up for my mailing list! It’s always a good way to stay connected.

Photo by Srozan Nadzmi on Unsplash. This photo is not of the actual rocks from my beach walk! I prefer to wander without a phone, so couldn’t capture the moment đź’›

When you’re trying to let go

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I’m happy to say I’ve been meeting new friends on my morning walks again. Just last month, I had encounters with a porcupine, owls, armadillos, hawks, foxes, a crested caracara, and coyote. I always try to play it cool, gently slowing down without making too big a deal of it, wanting to greet the animals in a natural way. As you might imagine, they don’t often hang out for more than a few moments, and I find myself feeling wistful each time they leave. Not knowing when or if we might meet again, I’m left with a fleeting joy, better nourished by the connection.

If you’ve been involved in spiritual, self-help, or personal growth circles, you’ve been hearing the phrase “let go” anywhere you look and listen. Lately, I’ve been curious about what I’m calling “letting leave,” a concept best taught by our wise companions and caregivers, the trees, in this new fall season. Letting leave is a less active, more receptive process than letting go, one that honors a timeline beyond human will. The leaves of a tree are not hustling and on the go; rather, when their time comes, they simply fall to the earth. A gust of wind or a big storm may also blow through and accelerate the process of leaving. Life is like this too, isn’t it? Smooth or sudden, ready or not, when change wants to happen, it will. 

In the healing arts, we often begin with what we want to let go of. What’s wrong, what’s the presenting concern, what are you struggling with? A problem focus is helpful in knowing what needs attention, but concentrating too much on the issue can sometimes hinder its release. As I see it, one of the key aspects to actually receiving help and letting support in is being able to let suffering leave. On the surface, we all want that. But when you’ve been struggling with something for a long time, be it physical, emotional, mental or spiritual, the question of “Who am I if I’m not a person with this pain?” feels almost incomprehensible. There’s no easy bypass here; instead, we might keep asking the question. At a deep level of consciousness, we “let leave” the attachment to knowing what we are or how change will occur.
 


The letting leave process doesn’t often happen in one fell swoop; everything has its season, and seasons come and go too. It can become a bit easier to trust the natural cycles when we notice the subtle shifts happening all the time. Have you ever found yourself telling a familiar painful story, and realized it’s not actually true or still happening in this moment? Healing may be the recurrent “in the now” experience of letting the resistance to what’s hard leave. It is also, as the Buddhists know well, the loosening of our clinging to what feels good. I watch those trees rooted down into the soil, and see how they allow more powerful forces to weather and therefore strengthen them. We have this capacity too, when we are grounded and willing to hold lightly what we think we have to do.

The invitation I’m hearing this fall is to soften and find courage in letting what needs to go leave when it’s ready, whether that’s old patterns, beliefs, or something more tangible. There will be grief, and sudden loss especially will need plenty of time and love to integrate. In holding sacred the leaving times, may we also find deep appreciation for all that is here with us now.

Until next time, thank you for reading,

Julia Aziz

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I was able to catch a photo of this cutie pie, thought you might appreciate 🙂

Enough already, and already it’s enough.

/ Julia Aziz / 1 Comment

I’ve been living in the same neighborhood for ten years now, and given that I take a walk at least once a day, I’m pretty familiar with my surroundings. There’s the blue house with the big cactus out front, the little library around the corner, the “for sale by owner” sign two blocks away… you get the picture. Seeing the same things every day can, as you may well know, get a little monotonous. Yesterday though, it occurred to me that I could walk in a different direction. That sounds obvious, I know, but taking a left from my front door means crossing a busy street, so I never go that way. Yesterday however, I turned left, waited to cross the street, and found myself in a neighborhood I had never seen before.

Listen, it wasn’t as if I discovered Shangri-la. It’s just another neighborhood, right? But yesterday it felt like grace, getting happily lost on unfamiliar streets with new sights to see. Of course this mini-adventure only came about because I decided to quit walking around in the same circles and instead notice what was already there. I tell you this simple story that’s barely a story at all because it’s reminiscent of a message that keeps coming to me these days: enough already, and already it’s enough. 

What have you had enough of already? I don’t just mean walking around in circles, covid, politics, zoom calls, etc. I mean what are you tiring of inside your own experience? Maybe it’s regretting the past, the “shoulda coulda woulda” internal conversation that never seems to resolve itself. Or maybe it’s complaining, comparing, blaming, guilting, or some other heavy pattern that has become so entrenched it’s easy to forget there is any other way to respond. What I’ve noticed in my own life, as well as in my experience supporting others through shadow work, is that if we get to know these patterns well, we can learn to recognize when they’ve taken hold, say “Enough already!” and experience a real shift. I’m not talking about some grand and fabulous transformation where you’re demanding a brand new you. Pushing yourself (or anyone else) into new awareness just does not work. What I’m talking about is, in your own time, finding the “no” that shows the way to your “yes”.

Take disappointment for example. If you’ve ever felt disappointed for a long stretch of time, whether that be by relationships, jobs, circumstances–you name it–you know that people and situations don’t always change and relieve you of feeling disappointed. If at some point, however, you say “enough already” and claim your needs as worthy of your own attention and love, no matter if the outside world fills them or not, you may feel a profound sense of power returning. When we acknowledge what didn’t happen and love who we are and what we have anyway… now that’s something new.

December is all about more, not less, in our modern culture. Yet here we are at the end of the fall season, a time when the trees lose the last of their leaves, and the sun sets into the darkening sky earlier each day. All is quieting, simplifying down only to what is most essential. This year we face limitations on our choices, and we grieve losses big and small. So I ask you, what still remains? What in your life is already enough?

I hope there is laughter in your tears and tears in your laughter in these changing times. We all could use some of both, I think. And thank you for reading these messages this year. May you find the courage and gentleness you need to keep going, no matter what.

Julia Aziz

PS- If you know you need more practice with setting boundaries on old patterns and recognizing you are enough, this little book is super affordable and available to all: When You’re Having A Hard Time: The Little Book That Listens. If you want to take it a step further, the Women’s Release & Empower Group continues to enroll wonderful, caring souls. Very little staring at screens, lots of space to be you.

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* Image by Mabel Amber from Pixabay

Feel It to Free It: Lessons From a Waterfall

/ Julia Aziz / 2 Comments

As many of you know, I fell down a waterfall in Colorado last summer. When I returned there this summer and saw just how far a fall it really was, I sat down and wept. I cried for the grace in that accident, how I didn’t smash my head on the jagged boulders, how I landed in a shallow pool of water instead of falling off the cliff edge behind. As I walked away this year, humbled by my protection, my legs were shaking just a little. Awe and terror are flip sides of the same vibration, the light and the shadow of a feeling so overpowering, we rarely go there by choice. Like euphoric joy and the deepest of grief, to permit this fullness of emotion is a release and a relief. 

Of course, we all have blocks to feeling certain ways. Whether it is nervousness or terror, feelings in the fear realm are often guarded against with control. Have you ever been afraid to lose someone or something, so you held on even tighter? You can resist the vulnerability of anxiety, but it may just grow stronger, yearning to be felt and seen. The resistance itself can’t be ignored, fought, or even loved to death. Instead, like a waterfall, we can flow over, around, and through it. Cleansing every crevice, emotion flows wherever the tiniest spaces open for her. Even just a little release, the briefest acknowledgement, lets us continue on our way more easily.

I’ve wondered, sometimes, what would it be like if people went around expressing how they really felt all the time? Would employees collapse in hopelessness at meetings? Would fights break out in the grocery stores? The point is not to be at the mercy of fleeting emotions or to vomit them out on everyone else. The point is to create easy, private, loving spaces to feel and let go, so we can be relieved of tension, more clear and able to interact harmoniously with others. 

These summer days in the mountains, I’m walking straight into the waterfalls and letting them drench me through and through. The more I walk this trail of life as a woman who feels her feelings, the more I see other women and men giving themselves this same permission. There have been times in our history when pretending to be OK was a form of protection. But it’s authenticity that frees us from that prison now. When we release, we can relax, and then we can actually do all those important things we need to do, like finding creative solutions to problems and having productive, healing conversations when there has been conflict.

Letting emotions be felt and released, returning to a natural peace, and loving ourselves the whole way through. I’m currently developing a women’s group to support this kind of regular emotional and spiritual hygiene. It’s bringing together the most simple, therapeutic practices I’ve yet discovered for getting back in easy flow, no matter what feeling state you begin in. I’m really looking forward to sharing it with you! I’m starting an interest list, so please sign up for my mailing list if you want to make sure you get the details.

Whether you’re feeling a trickle or a waterfall, may your true emotions cleanse you, washing away old beliefs that you are anything but divine. 

With love,
Julia Aziz

When leaving it all isn’t the answer

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The subject of quitting seemed to strike a chord for a lot of you, judging by the number of responses I received. Job dissatisfaction, relationship distress, the busy pace of modern life—so much isn’t working these days. Sometimes we’re not ready to throw in the towel completely though, and yet we can hardly bear staying stuck any longer. In these situations, it’s important to remember the other possibilities for change.

Here in Austin, we’ve been having intermittent storms come through. One day it’s sunny, and the birds are chirping; the next day, torrential rains are flooding the streets. On a neighborhood walk between storms last week, I marveled at the large branches scattered about the road. To look up at the healthy green canopy on a sunny day, it’s hard to imagine the trees carrying that extra weight for as long as they did. But they stood there tall and intact until nature’s momentum was strong enough to release their weaker limbs.

Counseling people over the years, I’ve heard a lot of stories, and I’ve seen how most of us struggle making decisions using the mind and the sheer force of willpower. Usually the options seem pretty dualistic, such as: should I stay, or should I go? Like the branches broken off in the storm, sometimes we can let go of the parts that are weakening, instead of uprooting everything. Examples are all around if you look for them. The parents who live separately but continue family traditions with their children together. The new mom who shifts from working full-time to being part-time and remote. The couple who lets go of monogamy and invites in other partners, while still loving, communicating, and respecting one another. Traditional structures are falling apart; they’re just not working for everyone anymore. What will survive the massive changes is what still has strength, vitality, and the ability to grow. When we embrace right timing to let go of the parts that no longer bear fruit, we may actually grow stronger once the storm passes. 

In this athletic, competitive culture, we’re taught well how to push through resistance, lean in to challenges, and manifest success. We don’t learn much about patience, adapting, and letting go. Most of us need some re-education, or better yet, de-education, in how to let nature take its course and remove what it will. When you know what’s not working, one way to respond is to grab a chainsaw and cut off that part of your life. Another way is to hold that grief with honesty and tenderness until, eventually, smaller breaks begin to occur. When the various unseen forces come together, the momentum will remove parts that aren’t serving their former purpose. Does any of this happen painlessly? No way! We need more love, not less, throughout the whole process, for the gentle light of compassion is the salve. 

Regardless of how it occurs, change happens by us, to us, and for us. It is the earth life we came here for. May you find courage through it all, and trust no matter what. 

Much love,

Julia Aziz

PS— Insight is easy, but how to actually live this stuff in the everyday is where the real work is. If you or someone you know is struggling with change, whether you need one-time or ongoing support, please reach out and ask. Or if you’d just like to stay in touch a bit more, sign up for my mailing list here.

Is it quitting time?

/ Julia Aziz / Leave a comment

This past fall, I started a PhD at the California Institute of Integral Studies. The program in integral and transpersonal psychology seemed to encompass all the areas of mystical experience and spiritual and emotional healing that I’ve been studying on my own for the past 20 years. I could delve into intuitive self-healing, death and dying, traditional indigenous medicine (sometimes also called shamanism), and building compassionate communities all under one program. I went to the first weeklong residency and met the most fascinating people from all over the world. But in the course of that week, I realized that while I feel allied with the research they are doing, it is not what I am here to do. 

Have you ever needed to let go of something that didn’t feel right without knowing what would come to take its place? Often there’s a job or a relationship that needs to be released before you have enough emotional space for a new one to come along. As hard as you might try to make a smooth transition from one safe step to the next, it’s not always possible, and it’s not always what’s best for the soul. Quitting is a life skill. You have to be willing to face the uncomfortable truth, feel all kinds of emotions, and trust that something new will show up in the right time.

It took me about a week after that first intensive to drop out of the PhD program. I listened to this song every morning on my walk while I was still vacillating over what to do. When I stayed present to my experience and â€śfollowed the sun,” it was pretty obvious: fear kept saying to stay, but my intuition said to go. I didn’t yet know what the next step was; all I knew was what the next step wasn’t. I was definitely committed to a much deeper dive into my work as a healer and a teacher, but academic research was too removed for what I truly needed to embody and offer. A few weeks later, after daily emotional release and prayer, I happened to see a flyer for a program in traditional healing with an Apache medicine woman in town. When I first saw a picture of Marika Alvarado from Of the Earth Healing, I knew I had found the next step in my education. So while I may be the fastest PhD dropout ever, I am grateful to that experience for schooling me in how to let Life design my curriculum.  

Is there something that doesn’t feel right to you but you’re not sure what to do? Like the song says,

“So which way is the wind blowing,
and what does your heart say?”

I won’t pretend it’s easy. The process of leaving things can send you straight into heavy darkness. This is the birth canal that needs to be passed through. So I send you blessings for courage. May you trust your resilience and the miraculous ways that new paths open for you. And remember, if you need support, ask for it. Support is always there somewhere, and it’s here too. You don’t need to struggle alone.

All my love,

Julia Aziz

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When things get real

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PhD’s are doing research on vulnerability. Does that not strike anyone as sort of strange? Have we all been hiding so well that we need scientific studies to prove it’s better to be real? I’m not suggesting everyone walk around talking about their troubles all the time. It’s nice to ask if people are available before we unload. But being vulnerable is also about letting go of pretenses in general, not participating when something doesn’t feel right, and asking honest questions. 

Part of what I loved so much about hospice work was there was no room for posturing. No one can pretend to have all the answers about death. People are real at the end, both the ones leaving and the ones staying behind. Masks come off, and anything that has been avoided rises to the surface, urgently asking for resolution. 

Sometimes big life changes are what shake us into authenticity. The breakup of a significant relationship, quitting an addiction, watching a loved one die, getting a scary diagnosis, or even leaving a job can set the soul into a dark night. These little deaths are opportunities to be real with the most important person in your life: yourself. The darkness is a ripe place for inquiries of the heart and soul.

What do you truly care about? 

What do you need to let go of? 

If you were looking back from your final days, what story would your life tell? 

What story do you want it to tell? 

If you’re at a crossroads right now, and it’s throwing almost everything into question for you, it may be a good time to be asking those questions. Gently, though. If you push a butterfly out of its cocoon too early, it will die. Sometimes we need the darkness for incubation. We may not get answers to our deepest questions right away, but we can be real about where we’re starting from. It’s a great place to be reborn.

Wishing us all the courage to be just who we are, and plenty of love and forgiveness in the process,

Julia Aziz

PS–If you’re looking for ways to face the hard questions and be with the discomfort of change, some of the tools I work with in session are things you can practice on your own too. Some clients come for weekly psychotherapy and others come on and off as needed. It depends on the level of support you’re needing, and that’s totally up to you. Find all the details here. And if you’re not feeling called to counseling at this time, but you’d like a little more inspiration to get real with yourself, sign up for my mailing list here.

Trapped in the Head and the Doorway to Freedom

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When I was 21, I discovered Buddhism and vipassana meditation. I was often anxious and worried, so it wasn’t about seeking enlightenment; it was about finding a way to actually enjoy being a person. In learning how to compassionately witness my over-stimulated nervous system, I didn’t change who I was as much as I became much better at being with myself no matter what was going on inside. 

In the fall of 2000, I traveled to Thailand and Nepal because I wanted to dive deeper into meditation practice closer to its source. I spent nine days of my first ten day silent retreat in complete resistance. I wanted to get out of there so badly. I loved the silence. I could have happily lived in silent community for months. But everything hurt. My body loves to move, and sitting still in the half-lotus position was killing me. My mind was also obsessing like crazy. All I could think about was (1) my pain (2) how I could possibly escape early and (3) why coming here was my worst idea ever. These thoughts led, of course, to many other miserable thoughts of past mistakes and future worries. I continued trapped in this mental prison for nine days without distractions, as we alternated sitting and very slowly walking from 4am to 10pm every day. 

On the ninth day, the teachers announced that we would only be having one meal instead of our usual two. It would be a 24-hour fast, and it would give us more time for sitting. Pushed to the limit, I finally landed at the bottom of all that fierce resistance. What I discovered there was absolute, pure joy. I had fought a losing battle through every dark feeling there was to feel, and when I finally gave up the fight, all that was left was bliss. All the more so because nothing on the outside had actually changed. I still had to sit in this uncomfortable position for 18 hours on and off all day. But I was happy anyway. This was freedom.

Anxiety, worry, and overwhelm can be a doorway, as can all the things we struggle with. When we’re stressed out enough, we are often more open to trying new things. Meditation is, of course, only one of many tools that help. I am profoundly grateful to have been exposed to so many wonderful teachers and practices over the years. I love to share them because I know they’ve helped me. 

These times are full of struggle, and that is why they are also ripe for awakening. Have you experienced your own suffering as a doorway to freedom? What’s helped you? I don’t believe everyone needs to learn how to sit still for hours. That’s not the point. The point is to be willing to experience everything that this human life has to offer. To stay with it all, as it comes. To surrender, one little moment at a time.

With you in the journey of human-hood,

Julia Aziz

PS — Here’s a few simple tools to help along the way.