Author: Julia Aziz

When you’re unsure and asking, “What should I do?”

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As I write this, I’m watching birds nibble from the bird feeder out my window. They love when the feeder is full; they visit many times throughout the day. When the feeder is empty, they go elsewhere. Seeking direction on our own life questions, could the next steps somehow be as clear? 

Uncertainty is intrinsic to this human adventure, so asking “What should I do?” makes sense. But who gets to determine the answer? Are we meant to follow what other people do? What they say they do? What most people do? 

The problem in looking to outward authority is that no one else is living our whole story. No other person has experienced our childhood, our lineage, our hardships, and our particular gifts and blessings. There is no end to the influencers, gurus, teachers, and leaders who will speak authoritatively on how to live a life. But they too are unique and fallible human beings, no matter how wonderful, wise, or worldly.

What works for some doesn’t necessarily work for all. So what if we junk the “should” question, and wonder instead,

“What will I do?”

A question like this can feel silly, trivial, like child’s play. Maybe that’s because it points towards a subtle, innate way of discerning the dominant Western paradigm has taught us to dismiss rather than claim. Play with the question when feeling in need of advice, and perhaps in time, a phrase, an image, a sensation, a flash of remembrance–some tiny pull towards what’s next might come along. 

Or maybe no response arrives. It may not be the right time to know.

Maybe instead, it’s an opportunity to shed some material things and obligations we don’t really need. 

With the extra time and space, we’ll see what happens next. Maybe follow what feels natural from there.

With more bird seed in that feeder, undoubtedly more birds will come. They go towards what nourishes them. We can remember how too.

Believing in us, and in you,

Julia Aziz

PS- Could you use some deeper support in accessing your own felt truth as you navigate challenging times? See different group and individual offerings here. And if you’re curious about this topic and related contemplations, please do sign up for my mailing list.

Image by Les Bohlen from Pixabay. I’m not quick enough to capture the birds!

When certain people drive you crazy

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“Everybody is annoying once you spend enough time with them; some people are just annoying much sooner,” a dear friend declared recently. This gave us a good laugh; then we shared how we could sometimes be difficult too.

It reminds me of this summer when I took a walk on a calm ocean bay at low tide. From a distance, I could see a large rock that looked like it had a gorgeous mountain landscape painted on. Once I got close though, the moss-covered boulder that was beautiful from afar turned out to be swarmed by bugs, with a terrible smell, so rough you could barely touch it. What a metaphor for relating with people sometimes!

Certain people can be harder for us than others, of course. If you’re ever replaying a challenging interaction with someone or ruminating over issues with them that may not be resolvable, here’s a question I’ve found helpful to ask:

From what distance can I see the bigger picture–and the humanity of this person?

It’s sometimes easier to feel acceptance towards a person from further away. Sometimes we need to let the emotional space between us be like the wide open sky above the sea–vast and limitless. Other times we might need to just back up a bit and take some room to process. It’s OK to be further apart for a while and get closer later, this time with better boundaries in place. It’s also OK to not know how we’ll feel in the future and just honor the space needed right now.

Detaching isn’t always the answer, though. When struggling with someone we’re trying to stay close to, there may be a different question:

Can I get in the muck with this person and grow from the experience?

We are all messy complex beings interacting with other messy complex beings. Navigating the ebb and flow of relationship, learning what we need to learn from our own and others’ imperfections– it may not be our preferred curriculum, but it’s always available in this human incarnation!

Though some relationship decisions are black and white, most aren’t. Nuance doesn’t fit neatly into a virtual square with a pretty background, so maybe that’s why it’s so needed these days. Letting go of the search for quick and definitive answers, we may have more patience to walk with the questions–and with each other.

Wishing you trust in your own discernment and the kind of unconditional friendship with yourself that embraces all parts of you, the shadow and the light, the gross and the beautiful! And some slow time in good company, because we nourish each other too. 

With respect, compassion, and care,
Julia Aziz

PS- One of the things I love about working with people is creating clean containers to explore the messiness of life. If you could use some support with being human and dealing with other humans, please check out the rest of my website for individual, group, and community offerings. And sign up for my mailing list! It’s always a good way to stay connected.

Photo by Srozan Nadzmi on Unsplash. This photo is not of the actual rocks from my beach walk! I prefer to wander without a phone, so couldn’t capture the moment 💛

Integrating Ritual and Sacred Time in Therapy

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If you’re a mental health or healthcare professional interested in ritual, ceremony, and/or the integration of a spiritual perspective into psychotherapy work, give a listen to this podcast interview/CEU course. We explore meaningful ways to honor both big and small transitions–without imposing any particular beliefs or practices. With an emphasis on discernment and cultural humility, this conversation is meant to empower and inspire clinicians, opening more creative possibility for supporting the human experience.

New Podcast CE Course Featuring Julia Aziz, LCSW-S, OIM. Rituals for Resilience: Supporting Clients Through Change Using Culturally-Attuned Ceremonies

Available on all the usual podcast platforms on Light Up the Couch.

Listen To The Podcast On Spotify
Take It As A CEU Course With Clearly Clinical

*Find more support for professionals through individual or group consultation, the women’s group program, individual psychotherapy, and/or personal ceremony.

When you need to push through and keep going

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“I’ve got a lot going on.”

“I may not like this process, but I need to push through.”

“I would love to take a break, but there’s too much to take care of.”

These sound familiar? Whether it’s a crisis, a big life change, social action, or relentless responsibilities, sometimes we need to answer the call of necessity–no matter how we’re feeling about it. The question is how to push through with vitality, rather than straining to the point of collapse.

It reminds me of a time when my seventeen-year-old sedan gave up on the hill of a highway frontage road. Cars were speeding by, blaring their horns, but there was no hope of revival. Luckily I was able to coast down to the exit, landing on the side of the road. That car had had enough. It had been pushed too far and too long, without the maintenance it needed to keep going. 

No one wants to be that old car! If we’re going to do more–for our work, for our families, for our communities–we will need to do more to sustain ourselves too. Sure, we’d all prefer a break to a breakdown. But when life is too full to take time off, we might have to take what I’ll call “time in.”

“Time in” might look like purposefully moving a little slower than our regular pace, especially during a busy day. Listening to a bird sing during a rare pause in the action, rather than checking email. It’s like the old Zen teaching on lengthening your meditation when you have less time to sit. Need to do more? Do less too.

“Time in” might also look like an intentional mini-breakdown. In a safe space, a good cry, a wild tantrum, or a full somatic anxiety release can relieve some of the tension that comes from having to keep it together. A little rest afterwards, and it can be just the right medicine for getting back up and keeping on going.

But hey, sometimes self-care can feel like just one more thing, so if that sounds like too much, it’s not necessary. The pressure to stay on top of everything is like the pressure of those passing drivers blaring their horns: it’s not going to solve the problem, it’s only going to stress us out more. Better to give up on being superhuman!

When the long road ahead is worth the trouble, we’ll each find a way through. 

I respect that there are times in life that require more of us. It can even be empowering to know we can step up when needed. Other times, it just doesn’t work to say “C’mon, get up, you can do this! What do you need to push through?” In these situations, maybe there’s a downshift, a “Here I am. Here’s my capacity. Now what will I do with it?”

Wishing you replenishing rest stops wherever you can find them, and a bit of coasting downhill too, 

Julia Aziz

PS- Need some supported time-in? Check out my individual therapy or the Release & Empower Women’s Group Program. And be sure to sign up for my mailing list; you’ll receive some free, easy ways to love yourself through all the ups and downs of life.

Image by Tobias Brunner from Pixabay

When you’re feeling worried

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Do you ever feel like your concerns are repeating on an endless loop? “What if… but then, what if…?” To deal with the noise, you might be controlling everything you can, googling down rabbit holes, or seeking distraction. No matter how you cope, it’s hard to think clearly with a worried mind.

In contemplating worry, I like to remember a morning walk I took in northern California last fall. My mind was full from a recent family crisis, and ruminating thoughts were completely distracting me from the surrounding beauty. Then I noticed a small opening inside a big redwood tree. Curious, I squeezed through and found myself in complete darkness. I felt my way around the space and sat down until the noise in my head began to settle.

“Don’t rush to a solution. Sit here and rest,” counseled the tree.

So I did. 

The troubles plaguing my mind didn’t get resolved, but slowly, their urgency lessened. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I began to see shapes–and options I hadn’t been aware of before. When I reemerged from the tree hollow, I felt like myself again, mind and body back to earth.

Worry likes to say:

“Don’t let your guard down. The other shoe is about to drop. Figure it out now–there’s not enough time.”

Quiet says:

“Oh sweetie, you’ve found your way through chaos before. It’s OK to slow down. Wait until you can see your next step.”

Only we can decide which voice to listen to. 

What if fear was a doorway to trust? Despite its compelling nature, worry is not a protection from bad things happening nor does it help us think clearly or creatively. What helps in long-term crisis and uncertain change is caring, thoughtful humans offering of themselves in the particular ways they are called to contribute. More pressure won’t help; solid ground can.

As our long story continues, may we find refuge through the fear, re-rooting ourselves for inspired action. And in our darkest of hours, may the quiet voice of compassion be a true companion and guide.

Sending love,
Julia Aziz

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Orienting in uncertainty

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This past summer I got to have another face-to-face encounter with a black bear. I was going down the winding mountain trail, she was going up, and we both stopped short upon meeting each other. I took a small step back to give her more space, trying not to fall off the mountainside. She quickly sussed me out, then turned and headed into the forest. I stood there watching her go, wistful and graced.

Every time I see a bear, I’m struck by the relaxed, easeful way they move. When they encounter something unexpected, they’re immediately alert and responsive. Then they go back to being relaxed again. Wouldn’t this be a powerful way to approach the uncertainty of our times? Relaxed and responsive, calm and available to act when needed. I like it!

I think about bears more often than most, but I still get the shock of “Oh! This is really happening now!” when I actually see one. Most of life is not so compelling. This kind of wake up call to aliveness is harder to come by when paying bills or brushing teeth. Though those mundane tasks may be exactly where more presence could help!

It makes me think of my dear friend Svenja, who died this past spring on the precipice of becoming an empty-nester. Sven was a master of savoring the moment, someone I could always count on to both dive deep and find humor in all things. On hospice care in her final weeks, one of the last texts she sent me said:

“I don’t feel like talking, It’s all a bunch of Hoo Ha. I just want to see stuff and taste stuff…”

It is all a bunch of Hoo Ha, isn’t it? We only get the moments we get. It’s a gift when we fully experience the small, everyday sensory experiences while they’re here. After all, this is really happening right now!

The point isn’t to be commanding “Be grateful!” at ourselves or each other in the little moments. Like Sven, who didn’t like to be too precious about things, we can take the pressure off. Savoring is not clinging–it fiercely appreciates then lets go. Savor and release. Relax and respond. Here and now, here and now.

I used to build forts in the woods with the neighbor kids when I was young. Storms would come, we would forget about these refuges for a while, then we’d go back and have to refortify. I think we’re in a time of inner fortification right now. We’re remembering what matters, replenishing the strength and courage we’ll need as our collective human story continues. My question is, what is this time of change asking of you?

Wishing you time to reflect, savor, and fortify—not just now, but any time you need to,

Julia Aziz

PS–If you’d like more support navigating these challenging times, we have spots available in the next season of Release & Empower: A Group Program for Women Moving Through Change. Or if you’d prefer individual counseling, please check out my psychotherapy page.

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On helping others through troubled times that affect you too

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There’s a question I’m hearing a lot, and it’s not a new one. If you’ve been emotionally supporting other people in some way, this question has been relentless in recent years:

How am I supposed to help people through a collective crisis that I am dealing with myself?

As a therapist, group facilitator, and mother of three, I know many parents, mental health practitioners, healthcare and wellness providers, caregivers, teachers, and managers who are processing double-time. I’m not going to try to answer this question; there’s already plenty of advice coming at you. These are just some thoughts for contemplation.

  • It is not our job to know better, be better, draw a silver lining around a dark cloud, or fix things just because we are in some sort of helping or leadership role. Like everyone else alive today, we’ve also never lived through this particular time in history. Lessening the pressure we put on ourselves gives room to breathe–and think more clearly.
  • It is absolutely our job to truly tend to our ourselves so we can maintain the capacity to show up for others. That may look like receiving more support, but it’s not only about care from the outside. It’s also things like how kindly we talk to ourselves. How we say no and rest. How we let our bodies express the fear or dread or rage or grief, so we don’t have to suppress or project feelings in order to keep going. 
  • Showing up with an open, listening heart in deep curiosity about the individual experience of the people we are serving matters. Collective crises do not affect all of us in the same way. Holding a space open for someone (or a group of someones) to work through their own unique experience is a real service. Especially in a time when their other loved ones may not be emotionally available.

I know many kind caregivers feeling like they have to pretend to have hope or optimism when the truth is, they are feeling the dark night. Could it be okay to orient towards “being with” rather than “doing for” others right now? I look to the trees, the river, the animals, the moon, the ancestors. I know even when we don’t want to be where we are in the cycle, we are here. 

If you need a break from people, I hope you can take one. If that’s not possible, I hope you find a refuge for your own feelings, and know that whatever you can give is enough.

With care and courage,

Julia Aziz

SUPPORTS FOR THE HELPERS

–A reminder about this Clearly Clinical podcast interview for professionals struggling with their own heavy times while still helping others. 

–If you could use a place to be yourself amongst other helpers, and you identify as a woman, save a spot in the next season of Release & Empower: A Group Program for Women Moving Through Change. In troubled times, it feels like such a nourishing, fortifying gift to be with women feeling, releasing, and re-centering side-by-side in nonverbal and expressive ways.

–If you’re a mental health professional wanting more clinical and professional development support, you can set up an individual consultation session or join my consultation group.

Sign up for my mailing list and some simple self-support practices here.

When you’re asking “Why is this happening?”

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I was walking along a forest trail a few months ago when a scrambling sound came from high up above. Then suddenly a turtle came rolling down the hillside, landing shell-side-up in front of my feet! Many of you know how much I love a good nature metaphor, but I’ve been contemplating this falling turtle for a while, and I haven’t been able to make much sense of it. (Don’t worry about the turtle though, he was stunned but OK!)

One of the most common questions I hear is “Why?” Why do I feel this way? Why is so-and-so behaving like this? Why is this issue coming up again when I thought I already dealt with it? A lot of people come to therapy with these kinds of why questions. It’s often a genuine wish for understanding, a hope that by seeking answers, clarity and resolution will arrive. Yet all sorts of dynamics are at play in any given situation. Our human perspective isn’t wide or nuanced enough; we can only analyze so far until we’re going in circles. Living on this earth planet in this vast galaxy, there’s a lot more to life than we can possibly get a grip on.

When I was a young person entering the professional fields of mental health and spirituality, I was seeking answers to many “why’s”. Now when I catch myself asking “why,” I turn towards the “how”. How do I live this? Sometimes that “how” might include deep somatic or expressive processing; sometimes it might involve simply accepting what is and turning towards the next small step. Without answers to seek, we can take our time, slowly living our way through.

Turtle

When we dig deeper, sometimes what’s hard isn’t so much the lack of understanding, but the wish for the past, or the present, to be different. Maybe we’re looking for someone or something to blame–or maybe we feel guilty and ashamed because we blame ourselves. You know what I say to that? F-it. Don’t let the spiritual bully get you. Stumble, fall down, sit still, keep going, whatever you need to do. Like that adventurous turtle that didn’t know what was coming, we adapt as we go. While we may not arrive at complete answers, we’ll have a new story to tell.

Wishing you some ease and kindness towards yourself,

Julia Aziz

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Photo by Bogdan Costin on Unsplash. Photo is of a different turtle than the one I saw hurtle down the hill, but I can assure you, my turtle friend survived and went on his merry way.

New podcast interview is up!

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This podcast speaks to mental health, healthcare, and wellness professionals and is a little different from ones I’ve done before. Dr. Moss asks a lot about how I take care of myself while taking care of others. We talk about:

  • Being a helping professional in different realms and my personal approach as a therapist and ceremonialist
  • Learning to access and honor what the body and spirit needs 
  • Balancing self-compassion and self-discipline
  • The power of simple practices and simple truths

You can give it a listen here:

The Healthy Healer Podcast with special guest Julia Aziz, LCSW-S, OIM

Listen on Apple, on Spotify, or on any of your favorite podcast platforms.

There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to living a life. Though we can learn a lot from each other, in the end, each person has a unique history and thus a unique path forward. As you hear more about my process, I hope you feel inspired to trust what’s right for you and bring in more of what supports your own balance and well-being.

With respect and care,

Julia Aziz

To hear about more interviews, articles, and resources, sign up for my newsletter here.

Doing holidays like Mother’s Day however you need to

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There are two reasons I usually don’t post on Mother’s Day: (1) In my own home life, this time of year tends to feel like a parenting marathon, without much room for extra writing. And (2) I am sensitive to the reality that many of my readers are grieving on this day, whether that be for their mothers or for children they’ve lost or didn’t have. A simple “Happy Mother’s Day” message never feels right. But I gave it more space and decided to write this year because I think we could all use some deeper acknowledgement.

If you’re a mom having a hard time staying centered, perhaps without enough room for true self-care, please see my recent post with some free gifts for moms. There you’ll find a recorded talk about on-the-go, in-the-moment emotional release tools and a book guide with contemplative practices. These are offerings to you, dear mama, with an underlying wish for you to receive, receive, receive and let your needs matter. Let’s celebrate not only the essential role you’re playing in our society but your humanity too!

If you may be grieving on Mother’s Day, know that the longing and loneliness of these sorts of holidays is felt with you by so many others across the land and throughout generations. I’m not going to try to sugarcoat what you’re going through though. My wish is for you to receive the space you need to honor your loss(es) and your feelings without comparisons or pressure of any kind.

If you feel ambivalence towards your mom or Mother’s Day, this goes for you too–relationships aren’t black and white, and you feeling all the grays in between is honest and real. (By the way, I know it’s not a popular thing for a therapist to say, but I’ll say it: if you need distraction and avoidance, that’s completely OK too!)

If you’re doing alright but haven’t had a moment to think about Mother’s Day, I wish you self-acceptance and grace in this busy spring. Whatever happens, I hope you get to not plan it 😉

Mother’s Day can wonderful, and it can also be a mixed bag no matter how your life story has played out so far. But whether you feel disappointed and unseen or grateful, loved, and nourished, it’s still just a day. I hope you take this day and use it however you want. I hope you embrace yourself in all your complex facets, shadow and light–the whole messy picture beyond the roles you play in others’ lives. May you gift yourself complete permission to feel however you feel and do things your own way.

In honor and celebration of our diverse human experiences, with love,

Julia Aziz

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